Roots and Branching Out
At least I thought I would be.
I have no idea if my current study regime is draining me out, or if I am questioning myself what direction I am headed. During my study years here in Australia, I presumed I had a prospectful and delightful academic career ahead of me. But I am starting to think otherwise, as I remembered my own self-impression before I came here. At that time, I was quite determined not to ever study again, and that I would simply enter the workforce as an artist. I was quite firm I wouldn't deviate from the field of media and entertainment, and that I would probably just dedicate myself to the passion of the arts.
As I recall now, my journey was momentarily, though quite importantly, deterred when I experienced a set-back during my poly years. I had joined the Drama Club (when it wasn't compulsory to do so), but I had a terrible time there as I couldn't fit into the group which were made up of pompous, spoiled, hippie-like, fashion whores. There were a few dedicated actors and the director was very passionate in his approach. Unfortunately, I left the group, and eventually graduated with a sour taste in my mouth.
That bitterness eventually hinged onto my self-esteem. When I decided to further my study, I had no intention, nor did I see an incentive, to continue my studies. I was advised that I need not further my media and communication studies, given that it was intensive enough back in my poly. True enough, I am glad I heeded that piece of advice, though my concerned mother was in doubt that I should turn my back on my interest, but I proceeded to do so regardless. I wouldn't say I regreted on that decision, but I have wondered had I strayed so far from my original direction that I am lost in a new environment? And am I truly fit and strong enough to survive in this new cage?
Being in this new location (an academic setting) has certainly taught me a lot, most important of all, lessons of humility and morality. I have also opened my eyes to a bigger world, and met (in books) many interesting and fascinating individuals who have shaped our world so significantly, and has inspired me to make a similar quest. However, compared to the strength and intelligence of such men and women, I feel belittled and insolent. Indeed, due to their influence on my thinking, I realised that my previous goal of being a media artist, needed to be critically examined, especially how I will really choose to leave my influence on this world.
Needless to say, I still harbour fears of being "ordinary". I hate to live my life as a cog in a machine, a system that will only freeze you in a position that is innately anti-human, and paralyze your thought, spirit and life all in one go. When I made the decision to enter the media and entertainment field, very consciously I was seeking to liberate myself from this stagant world. The idea, I now realise, was too utopian, and even till now, I am still tied and caged to a domineering system of values and norms I am strongly against. But, perhaps, that's where part of my fear lies. To stand out as someone different and opposed to dominant thought requires a recognition that you must be yourself, and that conformity to a stifling lifestyle will never be a condition you surrender to. I have not located where my future lies, and it is forseeable my role will change again, but at least I know where my roots lie.