KD-ADS: Expanding Horizons

Cos thinking should never be stagnant...

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Roots and Branching Out

I have involve myself in many different roles in my life. I have been a writer, an actor, a nerd, a body-builder, a slack, a director, a student, a debator, and now I thought I would be an academic.

At least I thought I would be.

I have no idea if my current study regime is draining me out, or if I am questioning myself what direction I am headed. During my study years here in Australia, I presumed I had a prospectful and delightful academic career ahead of me. But I am starting to think otherwise, as I remembered my own self-impression before I came here. At that time, I was quite determined not to ever study again, and that I would simply enter the workforce as an artist. I was quite firm I wouldn't deviate from the field of media and entertainment, and that I would probably just dedicate myself to the passion of the arts.

As I recall now, my journey was momentarily, though quite importantly, deterred when I experienced a set-back during my poly years. I had joined the Drama Club (when it wasn't compulsory to do so), but I had a terrible time there as I couldn't fit into the group which were made up of pompous, spoiled, hippie-like, fashion whores. There were a few dedicated actors and the director was very passionate in his approach. Unfortunately, I left the group, and eventually graduated with a sour taste in my mouth.

That bitterness eventually hinged onto my self-esteem. When I decided to further my study, I had no intention, nor did I see an incentive, to continue my studies. I was advised that I need not further my media and communication studies, given that it was intensive enough back in my poly. True enough, I am glad I heeded that piece of advice, though my concerned mother was in doubt that I should turn my back on my interest, but I proceeded to do so regardless. I wouldn't say I regreted on that decision, but I have wondered had I strayed so far from my original direction that I am lost in a new environment? And am I truly fit and strong enough to survive in this new cage?

Being in this new location (an academic setting) has certainly taught me a lot, most important of all, lessons of humility and morality. I have also opened my eyes to a bigger world, and met (in books) many interesting and fascinating individuals who have shaped our world so significantly, and has inspired me to make a similar quest. However, compared to the strength and intelligence of such men and women, I feel belittled and insolent. Indeed, due to their influence on my thinking, I realised that my previous goal of being a media artist, needed to be critically examined, especially how I will really choose to leave my influence on this world.

Needless to say, I still harbour fears of being "ordinary". I hate to live my life as a cog in a machine, a system that will only freeze you in a position that is innately anti-human, and paralyze your thought, spirit and life all in one go. When I made the decision to enter the media and entertainment field, very consciously I was seeking to liberate myself from this stagant world. The idea, I now realise, was too utopian, and even till now, I am still tied and caged to a domineering system of values and norms I am strongly against. But, perhaps, that's where part of my fear lies. To stand out as someone different and opposed to dominant thought requires a recognition that you must be yourself, and that conformity to a stifling lifestyle will never be a condition you surrender to. I have not located where my future lies, and it is forseeable my role will change again, but at least I know where my roots lie.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Being Tagged

I have just been tagged to post up 6 current fave songs by Fat Cat Lim and Kyo-wa. Although this isn't Livejournal, I will just follow along.

1. Tekken 5 - Antares
2. Devil May Cry 3 - Suffer
3. L'Arc~en~Ciel - Jojoushi
4. L'Arc~en~Ciel - New World
5. Devil May Cry 3- Taste the Blood

Can't seem to figure out the sixth. I won't bother, just insert any random old classic fave song.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

One Wish

Lately, I have found my character to be waning in many areas, and this has placed me at a crisis point in my life. There's always talk about people experiencing a mid-life crisis and other critical epiphanies but in this stage of consumerist culture and status-seeking anxiety, most people have seeked materialist and artificial supplements to compensate for their deficencies. A deeper search, perhaps, will lead us to a agonising reflection of our hidden solicitude.

This search would plunge us into our background and our lifecourse. What are the sorts of developments in our life that we seek to claim responsibility for shaping the way we are at this present moment? How much can we attribute our patterns of behaviour and cognitive thoughts to our genes, parental guidance, social environment, school teaching, cultural values, politio-economic structure and whatever else we wish to include in this cauldron of mixed beliefs? How much of "me" can we say existed from all these happenings that remain inveterate in our psyche?

When you start examining from various points in your life, you find different answers. At this point, I really would demand for the following:

Great Intellect.

Intelligence is not a golden gift. It is usually gained from tremendous painstaking moments of hard work. Neither is it a saviour to rescue someone from the gorge of ignorance and indolence. Maybe intelligence is not a genetic heritance, perhaps it can be cultivated and fostered. But at this late stage of development, there is very little hope to ameliorate my network of neurons and brain cells that will no longer respond to the fruits of intellectual craftmanship during my youth. Do I not wish to read pages of books, as instantly as the turn of a page like John Stuart Mill, or to write my first political essay at 10, like Noam Chomsky, or to write eloquest (First and usually last as well) drafts of essays at 3,000words per day, like Bertrand Russell? Why can I not hold facts like a dictionary or encyclopedia, or deliver exorable fiery speeches with the grand touch of a master debater?

I am reminded day by day of this awful curse, as I fumble through my conversations, performing thorough searches in my brain of, what can be said to be, my tiny vocabulary database, adding to my extensive vocabulary book a list of unknown words each day, or admiring the language of my interlocutors, all of whom champion vociferous and majestic texts and thoughts, which shame me for my incompetence to match up to their deals.

Do I not wish, with all my dear heart and soul, that I could turn back the clock to retract all my previous 'sins' (i.e. all my childhood earthy leisurely habits) and ask for the sweet bliss of an endowed intellect, to serve my needs and desires and to bring me closer to my ambitions?