KD-ADS: Expanding Horizons

The Songstress

2008-06-24T17:46:00.002+10:00

Her voice touches all,
the words tell a tale,
an exploration of her feelings, emotions, beliefs and thoughts,
do they come from her heart or mind,
pray tell where do the masters of love, sadness, hope and kindness hail from,
do the lyrics string a story of a beginning and an ending,
would she continue to hope to live up to the journey,
when her future has revealed no certainty,
and Anxiety becomes her companion,
and yet all she would ask from all those surrounding her,
is knowing that an empty abyss does not await...

Do the conventional and old-fashioned tales of chivalry and heroism carry her,
and should the book of tales burn in crisp,
who will come forth and guide her along the way,
when her panoramic view of people and the world as benevolence,
has been distorted by the masquerade party of malevolence and hurt,
without relying on the cold trails of rationality,
would she adopt the age-old advice of being led by the warm tugs of instinctual passion,
are the paths bestowen with the gift of leading her to salvation,
not when the steps that she takes on each day,
are met with her piercing eyes of skepticism,
for Fear has whispered into her ears,
that all may lead back to the same world of guilt, pain and injustice...

The songs that arise from her beautiful voice,
the audience sits back and contemplates as she opens up her mind and soul,
will her songs end on a high note filled with grace, victory, love and joy,
has she been able to wield the musical notes of rhythm and tune,
no longer relying on the musical notes as her reference,
the audience knows,
when she sings,
there is no deceivement and no false pretense,
and though the surrounding noise attempt to distort the mood,
even if her mind has to contend with the nemesis of Fear and Anxiety,
should she look beyond the non-existent abyss,
that she always had the song,
of strength, courage and love,
all in her heart...

Remembrance, Regret and Possibilities

2008-03-30T16:47:00.005+11:00

Before I turn into the theme of my post, let me give some unreserved apologises for not updating for so long. There have been major changes in my life, and I have not given any thought to updating my blog since I doubt it has attracted any readers. Nevertheless, there has been a pivotal moment in my life, and I would like to elucidate my thoughts. My hope is to continue penning my thoughts on a regular basis from here on.

When one catches up with the past, such as meeting an old friend, or an ex-partner, there is usually the tendency to conduct a "review" of the times spent together in the past. In many cases, most people would surprise each other of the developments that each has undergone since those years. Further, they may learn more about each other when they reminesene about the past, and reveal the underlying feelings, thoughts, and experiences that each other had not expected.

This is one of the beauties of an exercise in remembrance. In conjuring up memories, one is met with new interpretations and a "re-experiencing" of those experiences. Falling in love for the first time can never be copied again, due to its very nature (i.e. the first time), but in remembrance, one almost imagines and "re-lives" that experience again. Perhaps you even fall in love for the 2nd time, because you are now able to appreciate the moment more deeper. You may even appreciate what was done in the past, and wish to improve the present from here on. That is one of the mysterious wonders of memories. Memories are not just units of stored experiences in a box; rather, they can become alive and refreshed, almost as crisp as a touch of fresh air when you surface out of a sea of water.

Nevertheless, in remembrance, there are also negative and painful aspects in the exercise, especially when one recalls the embarassing, shameful and painful moments of their past. Typically, one only cringes at these thoughts, because it would seem so out-of-character and outside-of-their-being to have done that, such as dating a particular person or doing something ridiculous to impress a person. Here, the person has the gift of "hind-sight" to understand the implications of his/her previous actions. Further, s/he will perhaps wish that they had the "fore-sight" at that time not to have followed that course of actions. There arises the question, is that said person experiencing "regret"?

There are many people who are fearful of carrying "regrets" in life. For these people, there is an implicit notion that "regret" connotates "stupidity", "naive-ness", "ignorance" or simply "lack of foresight/hindsight" at that respective moment in time. Rather, there seems to be great comfort in saying "I have no regret in life" because the notion is read as: "I learnt a lot from what I experienced, and since I can't take it back, I shall have no regrets" or "Regret is only for the weak". Indeed, it seems that "regret" is like a form of self-punishment, because it begs the question of why a person has been foolish to have done what s/he should be ashamed of.

However, there is an interesting interplay here, whereby, in his/her attempt to acknowledge "regret", a person seems to say that "I never had that foresight or hindsight in the first place, so I had to experience what I had in order to learn my lesson". The odd thing, that we have to ask, is if that is true? Do people enter relationships with partners, friends, business colleagues and activity partners with no sense of the likelihood of outcome or the future? Can a person claim to be betrayed when she enters a relationship with a man known to be promiscuous, deceitful and unfaithful and yet claim that she had no fore-sight of what's to happen? Can a person claim that he has nothing to "regret" when he enters and loses a business venture with a colleague of less than credible qualifications, and yet claim that he had no other choice but to learn his "lesson" about business survival tactics through this experience?

It seems to me, that "regret" is not a dirty word when viewed in the perspective of a human being. Unless you are a omniscient God, nobody can claim to have hindsight before an incident happens. That's just the meaning of the word "hind-sight", that only upon the expiration of the event, would you have obtained insight and reflection. Only with hindsight, then perhaps should the event ever happen again, you would now know what to do. And anybody would guess that by now, you would pursue a slightly different path. Even if the action undertaken is the same as before (i.e. enter the relationship with that recalcitrant boyfriend of a bully), the impact and effects would surely be different (i.e. with hind-sight, you would not be so easily hurt; not give in to him so easily; or maybe not bash him with that lamp).

Perhaps there are two kinds of "regrets". One of them, which has been discussed, is what I label, as the "no-face regret". Namely, the kind of "regret" most people don't have on their face, which is to accept that whatever has happened in their lives, can not be changed, and they have come out a "better" person after that. Whether it be coming out of an abusive relationship, a truth-telling session with your beloved family members, or a rough interrogation of your friend for his/her licentious ways, most people seem to assume that it is for the better that they have learnt from that experience.

But that raises a puzzling question if that particular "experience" is essential to the learning and adoption of a lesson learnt. Simply put, Wouldn't it be presumptuous to assert that in order to learn algebra, one can only obtain it by going for the maths class in secondary school? Were there no other ways to gain the knowledge of algebra? Or do we still claim that in order to learn about child abuse and its horrors, a person has to be abused as a child in order to understand that "experience"? Does learning about the negative effects of betrayal have to come about from actually having to experience betrayal itself? If the answer to these questions is yes, then we can never claim to have any knowledge of fore-sight. That is the opposite of hind-sight, which is to have knowledge and an intuitive understanding of the "experience" before living the actual event. A "yes" answer to the above questions implies that fore-sight would be an impossible task for our cognitive structure, and everyone is blessed or doomed (depending on your view of "regret") to always have to undergo an authentic (and one assumes, painful) experience in order to obtain hind-sight.

Hence, there is another kind of "regret", perhaps abruptly simplified, to my mind, as "regret of not knowing what I know now", a.k.a "regret with a human face". There is a simple illustration to this. Thinking back on the past pivotal events in my life, there is a sense that I have regrets on what I have done. I had no fore-sight at that time, and no knowledge of the impeding outcomes of my decisions and actions. When the time has passed, of course, I would like to say I never regret doing what I did, i.e. "no-face regret". But then again, if I were possessed with the knowledge of what I hold now, perhaps I do regret that I had not undertaken a different course of action, i.e. one which would have less negative impact, i.e. "regret with a human face". For being a human being, I would no doubt not ask for pain and suffering where possible. And if I knew that doing something different back then may have changed the magnitude of pain, shamefulness and suffering that came along with it, I would have to say I "regret" doing what I did.

"Regret" is never usually seen as synonmous with "possibility". One imagines that "regret" is such a negative word that causes one to lose their perspective of their own life, values, strengths and is essentially "self-denying". But, as with sadness, anger, jealousy and bitterness, these emotions can never be just categorical moral epithets; rather, they are always part of the make-up of happiness, envy, joy and peace. Just as one can feel contended with their life, it is the complete human being who feels "regret" that s/he is able to move on and progress into a different stage of their lives. If growth in self-actualisation requires critique and self-reflection on one's history, then surely ponderance on alternative actions and desires in previous experiences will surface up, in which case "regret" is to accompany along.

Possibilities only arise when someone is able to assess the gaps and inadequacies of his past, present and future. The idea of "regret" is to teach you that there were possibilities in the past; it does exist in the present; and it is up to you to take advantage of them in the future. Nobody can do the impossible task of having "regret" for the future, because the window is always open and the empty spaces are always perceived as possibilities (no matter how weak or strong). What matters is whether people are open to learning from "regrets", and not living away from a life with no "regrets".

Writing this post came at a certain point in my life where the significant people in my life have come together and each of them have changed my life in various ways. I feel obligated to dedicate a brief note to these people, who have been the main drivers for the themes behind this post.

To the person who has initiated a long conversation with me in reviewing our history, it was a beautiful and unforgettable episode where I was satisfied to resolve our differences, but also learn of your new feelings towards me.

To the person who I may have to contend with possible "regret", it is with due remembrance that I will forever think of you as one of the most important person in my life , who has taught me a lot about myself and joined me in learning more about the world. Painful as life can be, my memories of you will remain pivot to my life, and rest assured, there is no regret in ever knowing you.

To the person who I have helped to give life, the world is now in your hands, full of possibilities, and left up to your discretion to create your own memories. Even if you should live without any memories of me, know that there is nothing for you to regret and that you shall live your world with fresh optimism and eagerness. Never ever live your life with a regret that you were born. That is only what I would want out of you.

What am I doing?

2007-03-12T13:48:00.000+11:00

A Stock-Take of the Morning

Sitting on a vehicle that transports the masses,
knowing not what awaits the future,
but yet expecting the same for the rest of the day,
thoughts of a warning nature cast over,
and I ask myself,
What am I doing here?

They sit and organize themselves,
the suits, the skirts, the bags, the shoes,
we all sit and drown ourselves in a sea of sorrow,
but we never taste the same drops,
cos we know not each other or past or present or future,
and our common destiny for death is not shared,
neither is our passion for our own life,
to be consumed by the trip that today brings us,
the question remains in my mind,
does anybody know what they are doing?

The whiff of a perfume like poison,
the shoes stamper like chatter,
I sit above and watch as they clamer for the ride,
I feel their pain and sense their irritance,
too many people rushing to the same destination,
the sun in their eyes can't lift a black face,
and the noise doesn't smoothen their worries,
we all are in for the same ride,
but yet I say to myself,
am I really doing anything different from you?

Wheels are churning,
the air-con blasts its chilly air onto my face,
I hear the voice of the newscaster,
they hear it too and allow her voice to occupy our silence,
but somehow my ears pick up a different tune,
the seduction of her voice frightens me,
her calm demeanor in relaying the news of horror,
her common sense manner of speaking about senselessness,
should I laugh or cry and be judged a lunatic,
insanity, madness, despair, sadness, melancholy,
how can these be my partners,
on my daily journey every morning,
when all I am simply asking is,
what are you doing to me?

Time is ticking,
we all must meet our destination lest we be punished,
but how can someone else be worthy enough,
have we lose every understanding of ourselves,
that we allow an ordinary person or a fictional entity,
to tell us how we should spend our time,
the news, the man and the radio can not speak to us,
our consciousness doesn't run independently anymore,
our emotions continue to be played to their dictations,
have I allowed my own interior self to be torn and played,
as I listen to the voice of seduction,
as I sit on the seat of a mechanical death machine,
as I see the eyes of boredom and restlessness,
as I smell the air of sterility and dryness,
my heart only sinks deeper into the void,
for there is now only one question,
and answers appear so distanced and out-of-reach,
there is only one person asking,
what am I doing?

Lies, Liar, Lying, Big Lie, Small Lie, White Lie, Lousy Liar....

2007-03-08T18:58:00.000+11:00

"Don't you lie to me!", says the mum to the child. "You are such a bad liar", says the lover to the spouse. "It'just a small white lie," protests the colleague to his/her co-worker. And Jennifer Lopez sings, "Don't you lie to me...."

It's an interesting world out there, particularly with the prevalence and magnitude of lies out there. Friends continually feel the stings of betrayal when they are lied to; lovers break up and fight because one of them just had to lie; colleagues shoot daggers at each other across the table, thanks to their liberal use of back-stabbing; bosses need to be licked in glory and fame which requires the subordinates' skills of a quick (and lying) tongue; corporations overblow the status and value of their products and call it "marketing"; yes, it's an interesting world out there but it almost makes it impossible to live, when every corner and every entity you meet seem capable of lying to you. It doesn't matter if you trust the person with his/her charming and benovalent personality, with the framed up qualifications which glitter and shine to back up his/her authenticity; you just know this person, no matter how squeaky clean, is capable of lying if they have to save themselves.

What is the essence of lying? Principally, it is an act of deception. A lie, even without referring to a dictionary, involves an act of deceiving, swindling and cheating someone. It is best defined by what it is (not): it's not truth. A lie is to twist, defraud, make up, distort, change the nature of what was once a truthful statement or event (but in most cases, feelings) and then to present that as it was truth. And obviously, there is one missing element in this equation: the assumption always is that lies are spoken with intent.

In very few societies, the act of lying could be conceived as a virtue. And in literally most moral, religious and ethical systems, honesty is forever extolled as a virtue. Better to be a honest man/woman than to be a lying rat. Further, the moral weight on this virtuous trait is extremely expensive and costly, for you will usually find that a heavy penalty must be paid for carrying out a lie. If it is in a marriage, divorce comes next. If it is between friends, typically the cracks truly never get fixed. If it is told in the court, it is amountable to spending time in jail. Yet despite these risks and the heavy punishment that trails behind them, we are confronted with a deep puzzling picture: Why do we still continue to lie?

Without asking you to spend a moment of your life in reflection, you may nevertheless agree that there may have been a few instances where you did lie. And even if I had to hazard a guess, it would most likely be during times of childhood, where perhaps you told a little lie to your parents so that you can get that new toy. You may also think of the times as a teenager, you lied to your parents about studying with friends when you were actually satisfying your raging hormones with kissing your teenage sweetheart. In looking back on these adventurous moments, you would probably brush them off as a sign of immaturity and that you have since grown up to be a person of stronger character and virtue.

Funny then it must seem if you are to be excused for these little acts of mishap, then why should we be so outrageously uptight and parochial to accuse with eternal condemnation that "Person A is a liar! Don't trust him/her!" or "S/he lied to me and I can't forgive him!"? If that's the case, your family members and those well-acquainted with you shouldn't be placing any faith in you being the truth-teller of the century. Are lies to be taken so literally that one is not only sentenced to a life of solitude but also judged to be a person of sinister and malevolent character?

Undoubtly, most people do lie with an explicit intent. Perhaps the intention to enjoy an activity without guilt or obstruction (like when your mother told you to stop seeing that boy); or perhaps to protect your image of yourself (Be happy driving that BMW and wearing that Gucci bag but come back to a poor-ridden family); perhaps to cover up your mistakes so that you can correct them (oh my, you better tell your dad that you have fixed the car's tyres when now you have to repair both the tyres and bumper) but you know what people say, don't you? That it doesn't matter why you lied, it dosn't matter if you did it to protect me, or to make things up, the fact of the matter is that you LIED.

Yet, are all sorts of lies so easily disapproved of? If they are, then why are still a majority of the lies out there being accepted? Just like when our "favourite" President of all time declares frivolous and ridiculous reasons and intents for invading another country, or when the politician continues to propagade better prosperity and wealth but you find your wallet getting emptier by the years, or perhaps when your boss presents a clean picture of the company's practice when you have seen and experienced all the dirt floating around the place. In fact, we continue to accept being lied to from our family members (who criticises you to your trustworthy siblings), friends (who don't really think you have the best taste in clothes), colleagues (who is desperate to ask for your help but thinks you are a doofus) and many others, all of which we know, if "real" honesty were to surface, the ugliness that has been lurking in the shadows are bound to appear. Oh yes, it doesn't become any more pleasant, does it, if someone is allowed to be brutally honest with you? It seems that only your idealistic thoughts and feelings will be crushed by the cold hard stamp of "reality bites".

This then brings the whole irritating problem into one full circle, doesn't it? To lie is regarded as a repulsive act, and something (that I rightfully) think should be condemned; but yet, to be honest and to be truthful also means facing the ugly realities of human relationships and nature, and also to realise that much of your cherished assumptions and thoughts are just wrong.

In writing this post, I am to recall the many instances where I have seen and experienced lies. Friends of mine have been lied, they have also lied; I see lies on a daily basis in my job; and there are also lies continually being perpetrated on the public. My own family members have lied to me, and of course I can't claim to be any more of a saint, I have lied in some occasions. But somehow, I have also found that the policy of being honest, despite suffering considerable consequences, a much enriching experience. The state of the world now is that there are too many people reaching harsh and overbearing conclusions based on lies, and not enough people recognising that honesty, for all its faults and ugliness, should continue to be promoted. Rather, lies continue to be accepted because deep down, as human beings, we have accepted that there are legitimate reasons to give a lie and retain them. What has become lost in the process, is that the negative responses from being truthful and honest should not be shunned away from; but rather to be embraced as a painful lesson in humility and acceptance.

Lying with a conscience. That's what we have always been doing. But it is far braver to be honest with a conscience and a heart.

In Awe

2007-02-09T18:38:00.000+11:00

If you thought that Taekwondo is just simply a bunch of flexible kicks, this video should change your mind.

Of course, it is acrobatic in nature so it is way more than just Taekwondo; nevertheless this is an impressive theatrical martial art performance by a very talented group. Now that's what passion can bring you.

Everywhere is NOT the Same

2007-02-08T19:44:00.000+11:00

I am going to blog this post while I am at work (though I have finished my tasks for the day) because this would be the most appropriate context to write my BIG FAT MESSAGE to everyone who have put their ideals, hopes and ambitions aside (especially those who would build their goals based on the narrow limits of societal's expectations) and resigned with absolute discontent that, "Everywhere is the same". I have one loud slogan for you to chant, and if you choose to ignore or disregard it, do so with the recognition that you are a narrow-minded bigot. My chorus for today and ever is that "Everywhere is not the same".

Yes, I hear it all the time, ladies and gentlemen of this destitute island. I first heard it on the small screen of my television set, when my DVD player was playing to the tunes of the local movie, Singapore Dreaming, when one of the characters (the Sister) told her struggling husband to get with the times, suck up that pride and get on with that mundane and dead-boring job of his, because "Everywhere is the same". Then, I heard it again when my colleague repeated those chilling words to me, when I was lamenting about the drudgery of a corporate 9 to 5 job (in her case, it is 8 to 7), that "Everywhere is the same". If ear plugs can't save your ears from bleeding to listening to those words, your heart will stop and sink into the abyss from the starving of hope and spirit because you never saw that in some other place, in some other time, things can be different.

What do I say to the disillusioned? How do I sing a hymn that can break them out of their dark but contended void of emptiness that no matter where they go, all they will experience is the "same"? Is life to be filled with the routineness of a cog in a running machine? Are passions and aspirations meant to sizzle and fade, like a passing dream or a shooting star? Are people entitled to dream of the unreal, the unexpected, the different, even when everyone is shouting to the point of breaking their voice to shut up and do your job?

How ironic it is to hear people talk about different cultures, or to contemplate living in a different place, or to experience a different lifestyle, but the next day they jump back onto the bandwagon of mundane routine, thinking that "everywhere is the same". They look around them, they see no escape, they see no hope for their dreams, they know that they better sit down, shut up and look pretty otherwise they ain't getting their dough, or they will be shunted and vilified by the majority who continue to ask, beg and request that they all sit in the same mud hole together. But two seconds ago, an hour ago, a day ago, they visualised the greener grass on the other side, and for a second there, wished to be there. It's almost like knowing there is a real home for you, but you never can get it.

My fellow friends, you claim that "the grass will always look greener on the other side", but there is definitely a brown patch of mud that you know better not to step on to. And if all that shit is getting on you, why do you choose to grovel in it, and ask others (like me) to share in it with you? Why do you wish to tie them down and torment them that you are being "realistic" and that everywhere you try to go to will always be a muddy pool of dirt and filth? If it is already bad enough to be in there, what further harm can one person incur if he/she steps out and searches for new lands? Maybe you might find more endless mirage of a brown dry desert, but you never know if that other person may find his patch of fresh green grass with a sip of cool water. Yes, things now look differently, doesn't it?

I know and kid you not, my loyal defenders of despair and futility. For I have no objections to your choice in life, be an insurance agent, be a pretty sitting office lady, be a well-to-do corporate manager, be a obedient quack, be the person crunching numbers till the early mornings, be the person you have always felt comfortable to be, and the person that society may have asked that you designated yourself to. Passions and dreams? Fret! You know nothing of them, except that they are the kind of childishness and foolishness that an adult person should never dare to tempt him/herself with.

Me? I got my third finger up to the world; I got a crazy and raving mind to do as my passions and ideals take me; I am going to go on that spiralling merry-go-round, leave the jealous and envious behind, and claim reign in my own kingdom of unadultered self-fulfillment. No, no, don't wish me luck, don't pray for me, don't try to persuade and restrain me, and please, don't ever ever ever ever say I am a idiotic fool. Don't even think that I will always be happy and lucky in my journey. I won't be, and I know I won't be.

But darn it, I will obtain and live in the attainment of two things you only wish you can taste. One is freedom. Oh yes, you possess freedom but you don't have the mental strength to use it. The second is control. Although you are always in control, you have choosen to give it up. There's no control of who you are if "everywhere is the same". In fact, there's no you. Give it up as you please, whereas I still hold onto it, and still say it's mine.

Hey, I know that whatever I do, whatever I think, wherever I go, however I choose, whichever way I run to, things will just never be the same.

Failed Dreams

2007-01-24T18:58:00.000+11:00

Finally found some time to blog a running thought that has preoccupied my mind for a period of time. In a way, this cognitive intrusion was precipitated by my participation into the world of martial arts. Although I have never felt more fresh, young and active in my new world, I have also been met with lingering skepticism and doubts about myself. As Bruce Lee said, martial arts is an honest form of self-expression. But honest self-expression does not imply one comes across with a clear conscience. It also means facing self-doubts, limitations, fears and regrets.

Charlatans and propagandists, but also truly well-meaning and caring acquaintances, repeatedly chant the message that we all should pursue whatever our hearts desire, or where our passion lies. The rationale, which is unduly a truism, is that by we only perform at our best in ambitions and goals that we are completely passionate about, and which we reap tremendous heart-filled pleasure and joy from. Although this idealistic message is sometimes rebuked with a dose of practical wisdom that we should go to where "the money is" or to fulfill our social role in a productive manner, nevertheless, even the technological managers of today may preach that message without any regard to the hypocrisy behind their words.

What does it mean to chase after a dream? Or to attain success and satisfaction from a daily endeavor? Unfortunately, the answers are much too myriad and incompatible at times. The accountant who has achieved his goal of making number-crunching as a living may have failed to achieve his dream of marrying his dream gal, who is after the rich CEO. Likewise, this very same girl may display delight and happiness in obtaining a wealthy benefactor but yet fail in securing a partner who can be said to love her for who she really is, instead of her looks. Then perhaps the rich CEO is probably euphoric to have captured the heart of a lovely bride, to sit in the chairs of a Porsche, but yet has the inability (perhaps due to simple ignorance or time committment to generating riches) to develop a secure relationship with his children.

Our lives are not only that intertwined with contradictory aims and meanings but also we have also the unfortunate capacity to imagine the alternate reality of our lives. As we sit in the dull and deadly silent office, our thoughts run wild with fantasies of rock stardom, being a dancing queen, fame and glamour on the Hollywood carpet, receiving prizes and applause from fans of your personality and charisma, or even less glamourous realities, such as flying an airplane, sailing on the ship of love, or trekking through the African jungles for the scenic pictures of Mother Nature's grace. Blessed with the gift of imagination, we are also cursed with the capacity to evaluate and regret.

No doubt, not everyone lives to confront themself with the troubling question of "What if...?". Probably not everyone watches Sliding Doors, or comes out with the psychiatric condition to hallucinate and occupy themselves with illusions of the "what if...?". Do they live much more contended and at peace with themselves? Is it more less distressing to live the life of the simple?

My inclination is that it is far worse to choose the life of the self-contended. There is a great deal of anxiety and stress to admit, confess and proclaim that our own lives have not been always followed the roads of our dreams, such is the reality of a world which presents no rewards for being an independent thinker and crafted in such a fashion that provides limited paths for any individual to take. Similar to the fable of the frog who lives in the well, how does one get to understand the depths of his/her ego, inner self or soul if one is unable to conceptualize the life of the possibile? How can dreams be of any other nature if they are always achievable and within reach? Where can aspiration spring from unless one is in a state of inferiority and subjugation?

There is, of course, the alarming calamity that we could have lived up to a higher potential had we chosen a different path in the past. Not being a skilled musician now could mean that I never took the initiative to submerge and absorb myself into the lessons of music in my past. On the other hand, not being a sketch artist presently also means that I never had the interest to chase and develop this particular talent. Many revelations about our inner interest and personal strengths and weaknesses tend to show up late in life, and that explains the churning storm of dilemma and frustration when we learn more about ourselves later in life.

However, let us take stock of what I have personally come to believe: Would the man or woman, who fulfill their dreams as cogs in a self-absorbed, run-of-the-mill, machine of life, with no aspiration or no imagination of an alternate or deeper self, claim to live any more worse than the individual who passes, turns, falls and runs through a colourful and rich spiral of life, despite the occassional blip of success and the ditch of failure and contempt? Who can claim to love his dreams more even if they will continue to fail to his/her expectations?

There are certainly limits to the human potential in any skill or talent. But there have never been any limits in the human spirit to pursue the fruits of his/her passion or dreams. Thus dreams, in a way, were built to fail. But they have also the potential to be fulfilled, even if not in the picture-perfect world that our fantasies would like it to be.

Readng Freud...

2007-01-15T13:14:00.000+11:00

Long time since I posted, but just stumbled upon a quote which resonated with me...

There was a time when I was all ambition and eager to learn, when day after day I felt aggrieved that Nature in a benevolent mood hadn’t stamped my face with that mark of genius which now and again she bestows on men. Now for a long time I have known that I am not a genius and cannot understand how I ever wanted to be one. I am not even very gifted; my whole capacity for work probably springs from my character and from the absence of outstanding academic weaknesses.

And so THEY said...

2006-11-02T12:48:00.000+11:00

They said that if you want go up, you have to be more sensitive and listen to others.

I heard that if you want to be paid, you better shut up and keep your comments to yourself.

They said that there is no distortion or manipulation, it's just about the way it is framed and relayed in the appropriate context.

I heard that you shouldn't be criticising and harsh but be mellow and just make things sound the way WE want to hear it.

They said that there is a culture that you need to adapt to and that you have to make sure others have a positive impression of you.

I heard that you better maintain the status quo here and that you better suck up to your superiors or they are not going to like you.

They said that you won't be happy here unless you can accept the above "truisms" and you can accept producing work that maybe you are not even convinced of but for some reason or another, it has to be done.

....You know I think I heard that right.

Remember these words, my friend, the world rewards conformity and obedience. The only question is how much of your own soul and identity is it worth...?

Undetermined

2006-08-18T23:32:00.000+10:00

I have actually been pressurised by a friend of mine (you know who you are) to start blogging again, though I have no idea what she could possibly be looking forward to. I have also taken the time to browse my previous blog posts and am surprised to find new comments from readers that I have not come across. This 'discovery' is really of an interesting and delightful nature to me; for it does inculcate a reassuring feeling in myself that some people are listening to my words and take them to heart. Far too little people today are appreciate of these forms of reciprocal actions.

Nevertheless, I must admit to writing this entry without a coherent agenda in mind, and certainly without the kind of thoroughness or clarity that should be present before commercing on writing this post. But perhaps is it fair and logical to draft up a ten-point plan and structure first, before writing about what naturally comes to your mind? After all, blogging is meant to be a "free-for-all" activity, isn't it, where the author is free to pen as he please?

Since it is hard to discuss metaphorically or abstractly without first being concrete, let me review the events that have transpired since my last post (in April wow): the biggest major change in my life is work. I am working within the government body (and I probably will reflect on my experience one day). The second is still sketchy but technically, I am single now. Not sure if there is a third factor to posit, but for now these two events have turned my life into a new direction that was truly different from a few months ago.

Yet oddly enough, that's probably the rationale behind my title. Initially I said that I have no finished processed thoughts to pen down, and my fear was that I would "short-change" my reader with a dose of meaningless words (which is still possible), but strangely it also turns out that the significant events in my life have yet produced no definite answers or goals when I reflect on my future, hence things are still "undetermined".

One of the lessons regularly preached in motivational psychology (or new age self-improvement literature) is that a successful person not only understands (or at least reflects) on his past, and not only assesses his present situation and look for opportunities in his current surroundings, but he also foresees with utmost clarity what his future will be. Akin to the formula of describing a self-made millionaire, it is said to truly accomplish a satisfying meaning in your life, a future vision will not only bring out the best in you, but also help guide you towards that direction.

It's an interesting point, and I would like to think, for many people with a career focus in mind, and whom are strongly motivated and determined to achieve them, that vision comes intuitively to them. But is it fair to say that the less successful ones of us, perhaps the "ordinary" others are crawling and struggling on our feet and making ends meet because we just lack such vision? Would putting on this priceless pair of glasses repair our incompetence, laziness and lethargic nature?

The idealist in all of us would like to imagine that life was that simple, or that achieving our dreams could come a lot easier if we possessed such a unique trait that the "gifted" ones among us do. But upon closer scrutiny, life is indeed so much more complex and "awe-defying" that our vision of us seems contrary to our ideal selves. Psychological research has hypothesized that we all possess an "ought" and "ideal" self, and that much (or all) of our decisions in life is constantly about negotiating between these two "praxis". But a sensible question, perhaps one can ask now, is do we ever get there?

It would be truly an exceptional moment in time if we were to meet a dying man who claims in his last breath that he/she has attained his "future vision", that he has fulfilled every "ought"-kind of duties or obligations and that he has never disappointed himself in failing to live up to his "ideals". Chances are, most ordinary people, even when not near their deaths, have regularly come across questioning themselves why they just can't "live" up to that vision of themselves even if they know what it is? Does every single person who dreams up of becoming a millionaire become one? Can one even claim to be unequivocally to be the "honest, sincere, truthful, helpful, kind, sweet, understanding and [insert any other benevolent descriptive]" person that they know and wish of themselves to be? Do your visions, as clear, concise and precise as they are, ever cystallizeto be what they were meant to be?

Ironically, even at the last stages of our life, everything still seems "undetermined". When do we die? How would we die? What would happen to my loved ones when I go? Or there is also the religious probe, "what will happen to you when you die?"

Interestingly, it is here that we also find the most funniest aspect of our human being. Humans constantly seek reassurance, clarity and a "determined" meaning in their lives every second. Religion and spirituality provides much of the basis for that. Atheists might not rely on a religious narrative to lead their lives but they are just as straight and clear to know what not to follow to live their life. So very much of our own progress is not only made up of choices of what we want, but also what we don't want. Thus, it would seem insensible and unreasonable to conceive that the firm negative rejections we make are self-defeating; whereas in every sense, they do provide some route as to where we wish not to go.

Unfortunately, life does have its irony. In writing this, I am to recall one incident that has struck me poignantly when I was in the midst of job searching. When I was feeling down and depressed of being rejected by numerous firms (although one can have a knowledgeable understanding of the crisis, it doesn't change how you feel), I was told my family members that my eldest sister (who is now a hotshot corporate banker) faced a similar situation in her own time. Upon returning from a prestigious university, my sister also endured a lengthy period of time before finding a job. However, one feature of that experience left a strong impression in me: that the job she took was not what she wanted. Yet, nearly 10 years later, here she is, in the same line of work, and now thriving. Whether she has come to accept and bond with what previously was a "unflavourable" decision, or simply learnt to endure the misgivings and enjoy the rewards, that is up to her to mediate and find out.

The question (for me and I suppose, you) is if we really can be determined about the "positive" affirmations and "negative" rejections we fill our conscious with. Otherwise, if we don't, and if we do find ourselves drifting to new directions never contemplated before, then perhaps all of life will remain "undetermined". If that is so, then perhaps the "future vision" was always an illusion.

Fear of Difference

2006-04-06T19:22:00.000+10:00

I came away writing this post after watching a documentary on the racist and sexist British political party known as the British National Party (their site and the Wikipedia entry). It was a startling insightful documentary about the irrational thoughts of fascism, racism and all its other closely-related cousins, but unfortunately, I have to say that there was a very sober hint that was not fully fleshed out in the film, and that is the fear of difference.

One doesn't have to watch this film to recognise the obvious point that at many times in history, great acts of violence, atrocity and hate have been accomplished through an informal vehicle, yet a very effective weapon, namely the fear of difference. Many people today are ready to denounce the representations of Nazism and Stalinism, but try reformating the question and ask if they are ready to accept mass immigration of foreigners who may have to compete with them for economic survival (i.e. jobs), or if they are ready to grant civil and human rights to groups of people whose culture are regarded as barbaric, uncivilised, or just downright unpleasant (i.e. you can take your pick from gays, ethnic minorities and indigenous people), and quite naturally they may even be as vocal as Hitler himself.

Much of philosophy and psychology (i.e. both originally being related disciplines) has shown that there is pointless talk about categories and dichotomes when it comes to discussing about human affairs. A common phrase is that "there is a thin line between love and hate" and much is true about other terms, such as patrioticism and xenophobia, or rational and irrational or kind and cruel. Irrational acts will continue to be defined as the "most rational course of action", such as how postmodernist intellectuals argue that Hitler took a decisive rational scientific ideology to exterminate the Jews and others; it is honourable to deprive refugees and immigrants of basic rights because we have to protect our nation or culture; or, in a most basic way, we got to press on our co-workers/employees hard, despite their personal circumstances, because that's the best way to "motivate" them. Anthropology and sociology has provided much evidence that no country, no matter how "modernized", is free from such primate instinctual callings.

It then comes across as perfectly natural that no matter how much how gifted humans are with reason, human consciousness and perhaps spirituality, deep down our human mind continues to be run no different from the average animal. There is an enormous disparity of difference, of course, but the problem, as far as these disgraceful acts actually illustrate, is that people aren't treasuring the one gift that is uniquely human: the ability to understand our fear. And as a secondary mechanism, to conquer it.

The first one is elementary to explain: all animals on this planet, asides from micro-organisms, have something called a "brain", meaning an organic central control system that intreprets data from the social world. Depending on the properties of that biological organ, we can perform a variety of functions, and how we choose to define them is a matter of judgment and moralising. Animals can judge, such as whether it is safe to take a drink from a lake full of alligators, but they can't moralise. They also can't understand that fear, apart from the basic "don't be eaten" instinct they possess. But that fear isn't so much about difference. They may hang around a vicious natural predator on the same plain fields or lake, and so long as they aren't threatened directly, they may stay around. Unlike humans, they won't be proclaiming national rights (i.e. which is partly a territorial instinct, but for us, also a moralizing act), or that cos you hump an animal of the same sex as yourself, you ought to be thrown in the gas chambers.

The problem relates to how that problem is being understood. That's the issue that ought to guide our moral dilemma. If tomorrow, a mass group of refugees from Aceh were to set foot in your country, it may come across as natural to feel fearful. How did you come about to feel that fear? What exactly constitutes the basis of that fear? And further, how are you going to come about understanding it?

Here's again the other crucial difference between animals and man. Animals only take a simplified choice of action to conquer that fear, namely to run away (literally) or to fight it. Docile animals naturally run, the agressive ones will snap their fangs and claw their intruder, but the human ones are left open with a variety of options. In fact, the options are almost countless ways, thanks to the creativity of the human mind. It doesn't take a genius to recognise that the excuse of "there is no alternative" is poorly formulated and usually whipped up in the same reaction time that an animal chooses to immediately run or fight. In other words, we become worse than animals, by saying "there is no excuse to difference".

It is very difficult to accept difference, make no doubt about that. For the average reader, I can assume you don't have a problem accepting people who are gay or are vegetarians, but you probably got a problem accepting people who wants a strong Christian state or wouldn't blink twice if an atomic bomb was set off tomorrow in a bid to "defend" ourselves. The irony is that we always are forced, and I may even say obligated, to confront that fear because it is an innate natural aspect of social living. The value of Difference can never be truly cherished, as everyone of us is ready to exercise sheer "lunacy" to oblierate the other to "save" ourselves, but nevertheless, we have a real gift, one that is ultimately more precious, to reconcile our animal "half" with our human "half". It makes truly no difference to engage in rhetoric debate about scientific evolution against creationism. It's much better to recognise we are all, one and the same too. Similar but yet different.

The Feeling of Ordinariness

2006-01-26T03:40:00.000+11:00

Some people say when fear strikes you, and I mean really hit you at the core of your heart, unlike what most people would imagine, you would actually be frozen on your feet, with no immediate ideas on how to react to the fear-stimulus, hence crippling the person quite severely. For most people, they may never have to face that 'fear', for some, that 'fear' may require extraordinary circumstances to inflict such paralysis; for me, that 'fear' has come close to visiting my heart.

And that is the fear of being ordinary.

As some of my acquaintances know about myself, I hold an intense fear of being "ordinary". Being described as the average Joe, the Joe Six-Pack, the Tom and Jones, the Tans (i.e. a common Chinese surname), whicever, that sudden realization that I could belong in such a pack sends shivers down my spine. Of course, that is not to say that one needs to have a record in the Guiness World of Records or needs to earn a tri-million salary to be special, but we all require a history of extraordinary, well-deserving achievements to regard ourselves with some form of esteem.

I would imagine, and sincerely hope that many people would have similar feelings and tell me that they have been in the 'same shoes'. And certainly, I like to think that the pangs of 'ordinariness' hits us from time to time. How often is it that when we have to meet a stranger, or someone we wish to impress, that we scramble our heads in search for a unique moment in our life to boast about? Or how often do we sometimes feel 'small' in the presence of others who seem to find it, as easy as it is to turn a coin, to recall and lament about their proudest achievements, with even more to come? And perhaps, how often have we sat with our acquaintances, friends, peers and families wondering when is it our turn to be admired for our brillance and character?

Most people find it an easy remedy to read some inspirational textbooks, or turn to religion, or to pop culture (with its 'Hollywood' propaganda values) for their answers, which I think can be summed in one sentence: You are unique from everyone and you just need to be happy and make use of your unique 'properties'. Nobody else has the same personality as you; nobody else can take your place; nobody else can relate to you the same way as your peers do; isn't that reason enough that you are of a outstanding and special individual?

But what I wish to describe most concretely, is a selfish and self-reflective loneliness that you are unable to search within yourself for an answer...no, for a meaning that you can define yourself with. It's probably in some sense, the total opposite of narcissim; instead of polishing yourself with self-love and ignorance of overestimated abilities, you confront yourself with the knowledge of how little you have accomplished and you are inflicted with a syndrome that despite your best efforts, you are still "ordinary Joe".

Usually, at moments of, what it may seem routine-like activity, such as writing a resume, you would find yourself in this spot. Or as I learnt from a friend, it can be when you are in a tight position to complete a task (e.g. finding a job) that this anxiety will creep up on you, and drain your energy and emotions away from you. As some of us may have experienced, we could easily 'fall from grace' and slip into a mood, reminscent of a coma.

The odd thing about this "heart attack" is that it doesn't kill you, but it brings you down to a level where you find yourself unable to work (much less blog, as both of my blog demonstrates). I find it incredulous that though I am armed with the knowledge to leap out of this ditch, but nevertheless it's like jumping into another vacuum; you can get out of it once but you can't get out of it forever. Further, the jump seems to demand so much more from you that you imagine that "ordinary ol' me" can't expect to achieve it.

In a way, I've come to relate to a particular acquaintance of mine. This fellow is tediously exhausting myself with getting the best grades ever, despite my repeated efforts to assure him that grades do not make a man. Though I agree with this value, I could see that it wasn't so much the 'grades' that he was chasing; it was the socially approving value of excellent 'grades' that he needed. To not have it is to wallow into the creeping suspicion that he is just as "ordinary" than his peers, and further just as "ordinary" as his families and peers would compare him to others. Of course, my affirmation of his strengths are usually met with strong skepticism on his part.

It then took me some time to realise, perhaps the answers lies in that some of our perculiar strengths fail to be recognised by the current social systems. For instance, I am regularly lambasted from my "practical" others that my ideals and values are simply "uninhabitable" in the current era, and I have been told quite straight in my face that I will "never be able to live anywhere". Meeting these comments have put me at odds with each other, and most surely, also distinctly cut myself away from the 'ordinary others'. Is it of no wonder that the most out-of-place people with unique strengths are usually at the front doors of hostility from others who could never treasure the "marketable" status of their own fellow men? In other words, is it necessary to cut yourself a special status by subjugating yourself to achieving awards that others deem as worthy?

Why can't we start to look at ourselves as being more than "ordinary" because we manage to stand outside the status quo, and say "wait...life doesn't have to be this way?" Why can't we decree as special individuals preciously because we are able to creatively imagine, think and challenge the words from the establishment? Why is it scary to realise that no matter what, all of us are "ordinary" in our ways and that this knowledge, of all of us being "ordinary", is the very thing that makes us "unique"?

Perhaps I haven't thought of the answer out of this quagmire. But I hope that the sinking would only cease in due time, for there is only so far down one can go. Going up should not be a spontaneous act, but requires a more determined and self-willed conscience.

Of Friends and Enemies

2005-12-23T02:05:00.000+11:00

When I was a teenager, I refused to believe in the concept of "friendship". I was notorious around school for being that person who saw no value in being friends, and I subscribed to the psychological notion of 'egoistic hedonism', meaning that all acts, no matter how benevolent, stem from self-satisfaction, thus altruism is just a disguised form of mutual self-gratification. In any case, of course how time went by, these cold beliefs have worn out, and to a greater or lesser degree, I have started seeing and defining people in my social circle as more than just mere acquaintances, or classmates or colleagues. So I've come to recognise that certain people in my life do indeed deserve the title of being called a "friend".

Two recent events, however, have provoked me to think again.

The first event arose from my chance encounter with a group of classmates from my secondary school. Earlier my partner had met them, and gone out with them without my presence. When I was scheduled to pick up my partner who had separated from them, I coincidentally bumped into them. We had a brief chat; it's nothing to rave about but it was quaint and fine. However, when I met up with my partner later, she had a most upsetting and disappointing experience with them. Not only were they openly talking about their dislike of me, but they also expressed disbelief that someone would go out with me. Probably worse than imagining World War III.

Strictly speaking, these people aren't exactly "friends", since they never hung around with me, and were more just classmates. Nevertheless, I found the second situation to be just as unpleasant. Catching up with my friends from Melbourne who had studied with me, things have changed so much between us that I no longer recognise our "friendship", if there was one to begin with. It's a long story, so there's no need to elaborate, but suffice to say, ever since all of us have graduated, I could taste the bad blood that circulated between us. The silence hostility is not overt, and very subtle; in most cases, people (and probably them as well) would go to great lengths to deny the awkard atmosphere, or to pretend that 'things have not changed', but for those who wish to remain ignorant and bliss, friendship becomes an impoverished concept.

I have always been intrigued with this particular concept. Why do people wish to proclaim certain individuals as worthy of a special status? Do they somehow cross the threshold of ordinary human beings? Do they somehow carry traits that are either so utterly benign or unique which fits them so perfectly? And truly, why are people so skillful in putting up a front in front of their friends when at the instant that backs are turned, the gossiping and back-stabbing surfaces with gusto?

One of the most dismal and yet highly significant result from the first event was that my partner couldn't believe that ordinarily "nice" people could spit off venom with such velocity and precision, and not thinking twice about the consequences. It still fascinates me to this day that people love to employ the common label of "nice person" to give a fair and positive evaluation of an individual, to somehow signify him/her as a person worthy of being a friend. For a very long time, I realized that "nice"-ness makes up for nothing. The "nice" slave-owner, the "nice" Christian (but believes that non-believers will rot in hell), the "nice" politician who screams and advocates racist policies, the "nice" father who is a great pal but a wife-beater at home...no doubt, even great dictators like Stalin and Adolf were probably regarded as "nice" among their friends.

There is a degree of superficiality surrounding "nice", for it implicitly assumes that the person is also faithful, friendly, open-minded, and oozing with generosity. All too often, it also implies being skilled at hiding the negative affections and thoughts, and acting all positive in front of each other. So, given my outward brutal honesty, it doesn't surprise me that in lacking "nice"-ness, I get shoved aside. But leaving me aside, the question still remains: what is to be said of a friend? And what exactly (at least in my view) would friends truly treat and understand each other?

One could probably go and read up or research on this topic in a book for ages, but to me, there is one simple truism: that is an honest intent to understand and accept the person despite his/her "flaws". This is an incredible task, and hence I make no qualms by saying that due to the nature of such a endeavour, we should be cautious on how we accept people as friends, but more importantly, how we see ourselves in relation to them. Why is it so scary to openly admit "I don't make a good friend" if one can not bring him/herself to unequivocally accept the person as someone who can never accede to your every need or demand? Not every "friend" can have the same interests; not every "friend" can share your view; not every "friend" can help you through thick and thin; and not every "friend" can like you for who you are.

But acceptance is a difficult task. Acceptance is not just saying "oh, he/she is just like that" and then carry on denigrating the person for the scum that he/she is. Acceptance is also about being helpful to the person's troubles and problems, even if one is unable to solve them. Acceptance is about saying "you know, I don't know why you are like that but what the hell? It doesn't matter, I understand". Acceptance is such an easy word to throw around but nobody understands, because when it is truly recognised for what it means, we all come to recognise that nobody can fulfill this criteria so easily. And we can see that calling the relationship a "friendship" is just a facade as well.

With great irony, I do have one friend that I may lose soon. She has been most supportive to me, and she has been most understanding and accepting. Thats not to say that she is never judgmental, or that she is flawless, however she and I have come a long way in accepting each other. That long journey was never measured by time; it matters not that some people have been my "friends" for years, while she only knew me for less, it also is not measured by gifts or the number of outings, or the number of shared interests; instead that friendship (with no inverted commas) was built based on a strong foundation of trust, solidarity, determination (to go through great difficulties), frustration, and acceptance no less.

Back to Square One

2005-11-08T22:23:00.000+11:00

Well, it's been a long year (in some sense), and I have finally completed my thesis. It's been an exciting journey, and though I think a lot more could have come out of it, I was still nevertheless pleased with my accomplished piece of work. It's by no means, ground-breaking, and on second thought, I really could have done a better job, in fact if anything, this experience has taught me a lot about my weakness and "strengths", all of which indicates that I still got a long way to go.

While I still have another essay coming up, that isn't the major focus on my mind. Very soon, on the 1st of December, I will be returning to Singapore, and just as it always happened in previous years, I tend to miss home a lot more as the date draws closer. Reminiscing about my bed, my room, my dogs and my lifestyle, I wonder again of the possibilities of staying at home for the long term. There are some prospects for that kind of future, but I really would need to be brave to face a different life, which I can never be sure that I will be contended with.

Upon the closure of my thesis, I also realised that my chances of staying in Australia is wearing thin. Not only will there be inadequate support for me, but as long as I don't attain the scholarship, I can kiss my chances goodbye. Oddly, as much as this is a tragedy, it has not struck me that hard, because partly I am now more convinced that I would never make a good candidate, and I think I don't have the smarts to go all the way. Maybe if I set myself less high ambitions, such as settling for being a fellow researcher or something, maybe I would feel a lot more comfortable with the idea. But for now, I guess my enthusiasm has been drowned somewhat, largely due to reflections on my personal attributes during the year.

At one point near the end of my thesis, I was confronted with the anxiety that I couldn't complete my thesis. I was panic-striken that this would be the end of my academic course and that I should hang up the whole act, especially the ridiculous misconceived notion that I could somehow affect change in the world. In months to come, my honours thesis will be sitting on the dusty shelves of my department, and my (and others') experiences will get shafted as well. Personally, I wouldn't have any care if my thesis was graded to be the worst thesis of all, and I wouldn't have cared if anyone thought I was a luny bin for writing the things I said. But what concerned me was...what is to become of me, especially in regards to how I expect my beliefs to promote change some tangible part of society? What is there for me now?

It was then I realised how sympathetic my thoughts were with a fellow friend of mine. He was the boyfriend of a female classmate, and my classmate had introduced us to each other, knowing we would get along well as we shared a similar like for dogs. We got along well, perhaps much more better than most would have thought, for our backgrounds were different. Those moments reminded me that I was never really much of the 'high-brow' 'intellectual' type of person, that in plain simple fact, I am very much the simple man who knows too little and probably thinks too much for his own good. Had my intentions in life be any different, I would most likely be in his shoes now, which is to own a dog farm, or find some plausible means to live with my interest (e.g. acting or writing fictional stories).

So why wasn't I doing those things? Why, instead, am I residing in some other country, 1) driving myself crazy, and 2) disappointing myself about who I am? How much can one talk about self-improvement if we continue to find the same conclusions about ourselves, that is, we are always the person who is never confident to ask for a date; the person who is always indulging in his 'sinful' leisure desires of sleeping and eating; the person who is never going to be an artist no matter who much he draws or practices (or substitute the occupation with musician); the person who will stay the same person because that's the mediocre person that he is?

Change probably can come about either slowly, gradually, rapidly or maybe drastically. Yet how one judges that process of change is problematic. Do we judge against our peers who are already steps ahead of us? Do we judge it against our previous actions, which one might find that they could even be more in tune with who we are? Or do we judge it against the standards and evaluations of some random other (be it an individual, family member or institutions)?

Regression or Progression. Perhaps we will never know. Just as it is easier and simpler to direct your energies towards one clear goal, we find that the 'road' will split off into different roads, all leading to either 'short-cuts', 'misdirections', 'dead-ends' and 'nowhere[s]'. Decisions become a lot harder to make, choices seem to become much broader, but our agenda doesn't seem clearer. I only hope my results of this year will provide part of the answer to that.

Too soon to be true? (An Unexpected Direction)

2005-09-13T03:27:00.000+10:00

So it has finally come down to the last one month and a half of my Honours year. By the end of next month, I am expect to have finished a 12,000word thesis, a 5000 word report, and another 5,000 word essay. Well, I can't say that I will be bored, but I certainly got a lot more on my plate than I initially thought. For one, I was hoping to finish my thesis by the end of this month, but it looks like things are not going to turn out that way.

But another unexpected option has surfaced, and this will steer the firection of my future permanently. That pertains to my decision to pursue with postgraduate study next year, and while I had contemplated following up with postgraduate studies eventually, I didn't expect it to be so soon. While I did not intend to stay for too long (then again haven't I always been saying that?), an innocent questioned posed by my supervisor shifted the focus of my mindset:

"Why don't you just do a PhD?"

Not barring the fact that I doubt I am smart enough to undertake this task, it was a question that, for all its innocence, I am advised to seriously consider. After all, I was going to do it one day, it was only a matter of sooner or later. Two, I already had my research goal in mind, and there is a good enough reason to pursue it right now. And lastly, if I were to be considered eligible in my application, why not seize the opportunity before it goes away? These propositions would only indicate that advancing with a PhD is not that outrageous a decision after all.

Alternatively, are there other options for me right now? The simple answer is quite an odd no. It certainly seems hard to expect that I can sought for a good prospectful job in my home country, and it would equally be erroneous to assume that I can easily find a satisfying job given the employment climate right now. And nobody should really complain about the level of pay in a university setting. However, there is a few inescapable goals I wish to achieve, and it seems to me that undertaking a PhD might drastically alter the scope I have in fulfilling these dreams.

Was obtaining a PhD an ambition? It wasn't, and honestly I don't see the honour in it all. I do think there is great merit to accept this challenge and develop an intellectual mature repertoire of skills, nobody else would say that it is a useless goal, but what should one make of the other ways to achieve this means? Perhaps there is more than just studying in the same university for years, even though one can achieve a lot, there is always the potential to explore beyond that goal.

Is there a more fundamental reason that I am not considering this option more favourably? Indeed, and for no other absurb rationale then that I am still attached to the responsibility of my dogs at home. The situation would be vastly different if they were with me, but I still place great emphasis in staying by their side till their natural death, and I hate to think of myself as not being on their side during their time of passing. Although I can't claim as to when that time would arrive, and I may get rebuffed as being too sentimental for being close enough to give up my career based on the lives of two canines, but it is not an easy decision to whisk away the feelings of those you love and live in a detached environment.

That same dilemma also comes full circle in a similar scenario with another loved one here. Although the situation is much easier to deal with, given the relative mobility of the parties involved, and that the relationship is open to negotiations, it retains the same core difficulty: giving up on a cherish being to achieve a dream or goal.

Some have said that dreams are only best fulfilled when your loved ones are in full support of you, otherwise the victory will seem half-empty, if you are the only one standing at the end. Some have on the other hand, remarked that in order to achieve big dreams, you have to sacrifice the small gifts in life, which may include relationships and other treasures. While nobody would suggest that you have to live a single lonely life to achieve all you want, the requirement still remains that the success in life comes at the price of small guilty pleasures or more.

Unfortunately, there is one undeniable aspect to all this. The issue of regret confronts all of the decisions we make, and the pain that accompanies with it, we all wish to avoid it. How should one grapple with regret? To never regret and to never face pain? To regret willfully and promise to try better in the next round? Alas, the consequences are not always imaginable in their own right, and more so, do we ever have to be more cautious about how we approach matters. Are certain goals even worthy of the regret that follows after that?

Unfortunately I can't complete this line of thought. It is too lofty a desire to make up a decision on my future by the end of a blog post. Nevertheless, this central question will be one that I must contend with, still I embark again on a new journey next year.

Back

2005-08-15T02:37:00.000+10:00

I have not only returned from my research trip (in which I met many wonderful people, even those whose ideas I am opposed to), but also got my new brand new computer. My old laptop was damaged, and repairing it wouldn't have treated it one bit. Hence, I sit now with a new laptop in my hand.

Coming back from my research trip, I have seen now how much more important political activism and geninue cooperation with the community (and NOT leaders of a political order) are, and how sadly even in a 'globalised' world, these goals only become more distant. Instead, what passes for community has been tranformed to 'fanclubs', 'militias', 'VIP clubs', 'political groups', 'religious groups', 'bloggers' and 'internet chatters'. Now, I shouldn't confess to be all benevolent, innocent and pure, as I certainly didn't censor myself from inclusion in these community groups, however rather I've come to realise that real communities are where differences do not become polarized, negotiations are facilitated by members of all those concerned (and affected), and finally where solutions, even if they are not always of the best, are met with the satisfaction that everyone has had some say into the process.

In the rhetoric of "democracy", "globalisation" and "liberalisation", the reverse has happened. The human race may never be free from bias, prejudice and bigotry but how much do our socio-political and economic structures, institutions and cultures actually constitute the basis of a reality where geninue participation and community is encouraged? The answer becomes clear when we answer the most fundamental questions in our individual lives and society: we hardly participate in a community group, we hardly are aware of significant social issues local and abroad, we hardly have a voice in such affairs. And lastly, even if we had a voice, how much are we truly participating and taking control of them?

I have given up on witnessing a forseeable viable future for humankind. And certainly, though there is a hint of optimism that the potential for change may only grow wider, as long as more and more people become educated (properly!) and empowered, which may lead to a final seizure of societal power from those who continue to harbour it for their own self-interests, no matter how benevolent they seem from the outset. To myself, I long knew that it's time to stop listening to men who claim to know it all, no longer shall my ears filter and process the words of a man/woman who speaks for the voice of many, but instead to engage and listen to the voices of the many first.

Away For Research Trip

2005-07-16T11:48:00.000+10:00

I am away for a research trip. Will be back by August.

Roots and Branching Out

2005-06-25T00:46:00.000+10:00

I have involve myself in many different roles in my life. I have been a writer, an actor, a nerd, a body-builder, a slack, a director, a student, a debator, and now I thought I would be an academic.

At least I thought I would be.

I have no idea if my current study regime is draining me out, or if I am questioning myself what direction I am headed. During my study years here in Australia, I presumed I had a prospectful and delightful academic career ahead of me. But I am starting to think otherwise, as I remembered my own self-impression before I came here. At that time, I was quite determined not to ever study again, and that I would simply enter the workforce as an artist. I was quite firm I wouldn't deviate from the field of media and entertainment, and that I would probably just dedicate myself to the passion of the arts.

As I recall now, my journey was momentarily, though quite importantly, deterred when I experienced a set-back during my poly years. I had joined the Drama Club (when it wasn't compulsory to do so), but I had a terrible time there as I couldn't fit into the group which were made up of pompous, spoiled, hippie-like, fashion whores. There were a few dedicated actors and the director was very passionate in his approach. Unfortunately, I left the group, and eventually graduated with a sour taste in my mouth.

That bitterness eventually hinged onto my self-esteem. When I decided to further my study, I had no intention, nor did I see an incentive, to continue my studies. I was advised that I need not further my media and communication studies, given that it was intensive enough back in my poly. True enough, I am glad I heeded that piece of advice, though my concerned mother was in doubt that I should turn my back on my interest, but I proceeded to do so regardless. I wouldn't say I regreted on that decision, but I have wondered had I strayed so far from my original direction that I am lost in a new environment? And am I truly fit and strong enough to survive in this new cage?

Being in this new location (an academic setting) has certainly taught me a lot, most important of all, lessons of humility and morality. I have also opened my eyes to a bigger world, and met (in books) many interesting and fascinating individuals who have shaped our world so significantly, and has inspired me to make a similar quest. However, compared to the strength and intelligence of such men and women, I feel belittled and insolent. Indeed, due to their influence on my thinking, I realised that my previous goal of being a media artist, needed to be critically examined, especially how I will really choose to leave my influence on this world.

Needless to say, I still harbour fears of being "ordinary". I hate to live my life as a cog in a machine, a system that will only freeze you in a position that is innately anti-human, and paralyze your thought, spirit and life all in one go. When I made the decision to enter the media and entertainment field, very consciously I was seeking to liberate myself from this stagant world. The idea, I now realise, was too utopian, and even till now, I am still tied and caged to a domineering system of values and norms I am strongly against. But, perhaps, that's where part of my fear lies. To stand out as someone different and opposed to dominant thought requires a recognition that you must be yourself, and that conformity to a stifling lifestyle will never be a condition you surrender to. I have not located where my future lies, and it is forseeable my role will change again, but at least I know where my roots lie.

Being Tagged

2005-06-12T12:34:00.000+10:00

I have just been tagged to post up 6 current fave songs by Fat Cat Lim and Kyo-wa. Although this isn't Livejournal, I will just follow along.

1. Tekken 5 - Antares
2. Devil May Cry 3 - Suffer
3. L'Arc~en~Ciel - Jojoushi
4. L'Arc~en~Ciel - New World
5. Devil May Cry 3- Taste the Blood

Can't seem to figure out the sixth. I won't bother, just insert any random old classic fave song.

One Wish

2005-06-02T23:33:00.000+10:00

Lately, I have found my character to be waning in many areas, and this has placed me at a crisis point in my life. There's always talk about people experiencing a mid-life crisis and other critical epiphanies but in this stage of consumerist culture and status-seeking anxiety, most people have seeked materialist and artificial supplements to compensate for their deficencies. A deeper search, perhaps, will lead us to a agonising reflection of our hidden solicitude.

This search would plunge us into our background and our lifecourse. What are the sorts of developments in our life that we seek to claim responsibility for shaping the way we are at this present moment? How much can we attribute our patterns of behaviour and cognitive thoughts to our genes, parental guidance, social environment, school teaching, cultural values, politio-economic structure and whatever else we wish to include in this cauldron of mixed beliefs? How much of "me" can we say existed from all these happenings that remain inveterate in our psyche?

When you start examining from various points in your life, you find different answers. At this point, I really would demand for the following:

Great Intellect.

Intelligence is not a golden gift. It is usually gained from tremendous painstaking moments of hard work. Neither is it a saviour to rescue someone from the gorge of ignorance and indolence. Maybe intelligence is not a genetic heritance, perhaps it can be cultivated and fostered. But at this late stage of development, there is very little hope to ameliorate my network of neurons and brain cells that will no longer respond to the fruits of intellectual craftmanship during my youth. Do I not wish to read pages of books, as instantly as the turn of a page like John Stuart Mill, or to write my first political essay at 10, like Noam Chomsky, or to write eloquest (First and usually last as well) drafts of essays at 3,000words per day, like Bertrand Russell? Why can I not hold facts like a dictionary or encyclopedia, or deliver exorable fiery speeches with the grand touch of a master debater?

I am reminded day by day of this awful curse, as I fumble through my conversations, performing thorough searches in my brain of, what can be said to be, my tiny vocabulary database, adding to my extensive vocabulary book a list of unknown words each day, or admiring the language of my interlocutors, all of whom champion vociferous and majestic texts and thoughts, which shame me for my incompetence to match up to their deals.

Do I not wish, with all my dear heart and soul, that I could turn back the clock to retract all my previous 'sins' (i.e. all my childhood earthy leisurely habits) and ask for the sweet bliss of an endowed intellect, to serve my needs and desires and to bring me closer to my ambitions?

Recluse

2005-05-25T23:14:00.000+10:00

When I was a young child, writing used to be my universe. I used to write about fictional worlds, fictional characters, fictional friends, fictional families, fictional tales that surround my consciousness and stimulate my senses. I long for those moments again, because the world will only grow more complex, more burdensome, more frightening, more stressful, more anxious as you mature and learn more about your environment and yourself. Sometimes, it seems you can never learn anything, and that everything spirals in an endless cycle, where there is no stopgap, no plug to pull, and you must swim in the whirlpool which revolves more furiously with every resistance you make.

That's why writing seems to be the perfect recluse. Each time you write, you feel in control of your world. You create your world, you create your characters, you watch them interact, you observe them grapple with the deepest of issues, you wonder how you will behave in their place, sometimes you also know that's who you are. Writing would seem to be the hatch to a diverse, flowing and flexible paradise that twists and blends to your whim and command.

But serious writing, as I now learned, is no longer that dream. Writing, if taken with drive and passion, is about communication and about relating to the social world. You can't escape from it, you never did, merely you drove yourself into a hole, but yet watching the world with intent from the inside. Secluded, yes, safe, perhaps, but detached, not. You still create strings of associations with your social world, you still try to extract the tiniest details of your psyche and you are weavin them together to create a text that will be of relevance to the audience. Unless you are capable of sculpting some "alien text", inevitably you are performing this task to communicate to your fellow peers, whoever they may be, consciously or unconsciously.

Writing is a tiresome activity, as I now accept. It came close to stealing my life away, it is just as poisonous, just as it can be gratifying. Its hunger may strike you at the oddest of moments, its presence may challenge you to question your self beliefs, its process may tire your eyes and mental energy till its job is "done". It never lets you go, at least only as far as you feel the urge to speak to an "invisible" audience, namely yourself. Writing is about a conversation that will never end, a discussion that seems clear but yet obstruse, a journey that seems to have a direction but can turn unexpectedly into a new road, and finally a sign of the lives that inhabits in all of us.

Today is a Special Day for you....

2005-05-20T06:22:00.000+10:00

I will be celebrating my birthday tonight. It's been ages since I announced my birthday somewhat publicly. Probably since I was 18, because any sense of spreading awareness of my birthday has reared pointless derivation from my friends or peers, and I now have a preference to spend my "hatch day" in silent solitude. Nothing has changed up to this point, but the one thing that has a dramatic shift for this year is that I have planned a special day for me and my friend.

Female of course.

But I am not celebrating my special day. Rather, the significance is in reverse, and I will be making up to her for the birthday we couldn't celebrate last year (hers). It is going to be an incredible busy day, as I write this, it is 6am, and in a few hours time, I have to move to action, ploughing through all the preparations and also simultaneously going through my work. Finally when night falls, I have to stand up to the "test" when she has the opportunity to "taste" the special "treats" I organized for her. Lacking any firm confidence in my choregraphy, I only hope she will, even if she is unable to state unequivocally that it will be the best time she has, enjoy our own unique experience.

Could I dare to say that material gifts has lost its appeal to me? It has a long time ago. There is no real tangible gift for me to physically hold and feel this year. There hasn't been one for close to 6 years, I could say. For all the silly items and accesories that I received with my grubby hands, none will bear the same weight and importance as this special night.

My birthday was yesterday. Today it is for something else. Call it a special celebration between friends.

A Bitter "Past" Self

2005-04-03T00:42:00.000+10:00

You're Judas. You're dark and mysterious and are
rarely seen without your mask. You can be
bitter and mean, but deep down care deeply for
your friends. Your past is complicated. You're
also know as Lion Magnus, but you'd rather not
discuss that. Your swordian is Chaltier.

Which Tales of Destiny 2 character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

------------------------------------------------------

NB: The above description is not intended to portray my personality holistically.

"In the consciousness of the truth he has perceived, man now sees everywhere only the awfulness or the absurdity of existence... and loathing seizes him."

- Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy

I always had some doubt that each of us are ever able to discover a coherent self in us. Most people are disposed to imagine that they have a stable, coherent and consist self throughout their lives, which isn't difficult to construct for the most part, and could evidently remain so. We may find that as we trace the vestige of a self in our past, we would identify elements of our personality that have stayed and affected every second of our lives, despite how conscious we are of it or not.

However, at the same time, we would also find that we have different "selves", that we choose to subsume or irresistably protrude in social situations, e.g. being a different person in a party or at work. When moments like this appear, some of us are petrified that the consistent self has morphed into another being, an unrecognisable and unimaginable self which haunts us about the nature of our personalities. At other times, we may excuse our differentiated selves, by justifying the situation at hand, e.g. I was too nervous to be my real self, or I am forced to play a role, and we calm ourselves that this would be a passing evanescence that wouldn't concern us anymore, as long as we are convinced of our authentic selves. The key element is to hold on tight to what we know of our authenticity, and never refrain from that.

But what would happen if we are persistently turning into something we are not? What if your truest and strongest assumptions about your self continue to be refuted, or if every single instance shows otherwise of your staunch beliefs? Would this authentic self be a constructed shell, that perpetuates the lies that are too frightening to bare, or would we find no reason to accept that an authentic self exists? Would it be much easier to lead a troubleless existence by denying that authenticity is pure fabrication, or a comfort blanket that consistency and stability must be found in our life narratives?

Nietzsche believed in the notion of eternal recurrence. That is while time might be infinite, the possible combinations of happenings was statistically limited. Therefore, some events were bound to repeat. This interesting proposition perhaps should enlighten the endless predicament all of us are bound to, from dealing with similiar turmoils of love and jealousy to grappling with the anxieties of life and death, indeed why should our emotional psyche not be forced to obey the laws of eternal recurrence? Considering that our emotional and mental anguish can not be solved by a definite absolute solution, but is repeatedly brought back to our consciousness, and sometimes survived till death, it would seem that we are fraught to deal with our multiple selves, because they are the consistencies, they make up as part of our true authentic being, constructed and represented differently but yet embodied in a fragmented form.

Those fragments shift and churn in our psyche, and each day the effects can be felt, from the mood swings that overtake our day, the unconscious thoughts that surface for no rhyme or reason, the sudden epihanies that shock our preconceived beliefs of our selves, or even the constant remarks and messages received from our external social environment that beget us to doubt our intentions. Like broken pieces of a mirror, fragments can be pieced to make a whole being, but they never stay on for long. And in our lifetime, you can expect each of these pieces to return.

An update about nothing

2005-03-24T23:23:00.000+11:00

It's been quite some time, but I've nothing to add. It's not that life has not presented me with new issues to face, but rather that I find very little meaning to vocalise the thoughts circulating my head.

Which really leads to the basic question most of us have in our minds: What do we wish to attain by telling us about our inner problems, desires, fears and aspirations? Psychology and philosophy has provided the answers to our enquiry, but we are just as aware that in truth, there's nothing highly profitable to be gained. Most issues are still dealt with on an individual basis and much of the strength an person employs against his/her challenges are sourced from his/herself.

I don't know what makes a person stronger, be it s/he relying on his/her own self-will and determination or relying on the hopes and support of others, though I am inclined to believe the latter. Man is a social animal, and very few can struggle against the world alone. Even for those who challenge the world by themselves, still count on the support of an entity besides themselves, sometimes bordering on an imaginery or dead person.

What then comes most surprising for me, is how sometimes this daily fact can be viciously ignored at our own peril. I've come to the honest recognition that most of the problems in life are overcomed through the mass support of others and not neceessarily the lone individual. There are some exceptions but they are rare and marginal which doesn't suffice in extenuating the fact that most of us go through the troubles of life only due to the help of someone or several others.

I think most of us have yet to recognise that ideal. And that's why it has become an imperative to always tell others about our fears, wants, hopes and dreams. Cos people do count on each other, even if they are unforseeable.

Tribulation

2005-03-14T00:30:00.000+11:00

Initially, I had intended to write an entry regarding a specific issue I am facing right now. However, I soon came to realise that it wasn't just one specific crisis in my life, but an interlinked of multiple crisises which all have their own existence and validation. I was engulfed in a series of thoughts which have been inspired from this tribulation and it has struck me that there remains one fundamental holistic identification out of all the entire mess.

In life, we are faced with several difficulties, all of which have their varying effects and lessons. However, these difficulties also become our most creative portions of our existence, for we start to pick apart our history, values and experiences, confronting our own meanings of life, which is a rare activity. We do not ever imagine that our cognitive abilities are at their best, when we have to run our thoughts with current situations which are typically too intense and emotional-draining, so we are always fighting our unconscious mental processes that try to make sense of our turbulent world. We start to then exercise our conceptions and beliefs about life and the meaning of our very existence because we wonder how life has been unjust and cruel on us, and try to adjust the imbalance to achieve a meaningful and coherent structure in our lives.

Tribulations is defined as "an experience that tests one's endurance, patience, or faith". It's also essential to our makeup as a human being, no sane human could ever live life with the fullest satisfaction or happiness, and we would be scared to meet someone who never has to encounter or deal with a personal situation that begs to question their fundamental beliefs in life. We then sought to express our own findings (either through writing, art, religion, speech and etc) which only displays the core anxiety and suffering but yet never elaborative enough to explain the intricate elements and contingencies. When despair sets in, it's when we are killing ourselves to extract a fulfilling meaning that can applease our crisis.

Should this be cause for concern?

2005-03-05T23:05:00.000+11:00

I am too lazy to blog a lengthy entry for now, but I thought this interesting article should provoke some discussion. It's kind of a follow-up to my previous post.

You're a Pain, but let's get Married Anyway

The heading is probably too strong, but it doesn't detract from the findings adduced.

Update: My thoughts ( from the comments page)

Against My Own Sex

2005-02-22T17:45:00.000+11:00

"Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution."

Bertrand Russell
Marriage and Morals
---------------------------------------------------------------

The above quote may appear odd in light of my own entry today (NB: it should also be noted that the context of the quote is different from my entry but nevertheless, shares similiar assumptions). But there's a reason I have taken this quote to illustrate my point of view of the unruly and disappointing attitude of some members of my own sex. The background to my statement lies in the growing dissatisfaction men now have to deal with in the dating with the opposite sex. Due to the rising number of educated women, some men nowadays have turned to vilifying and demeaning the "characteristic" attitudes of "modern" women, especially in a modernistic affluent highly-educated society like Singapore, this ostentious "backlash" has produced some unimaginable social phenomena (e.g. more men marrying foreign brides, or going abroad to indulge in prostitution).

One particular thread has infuriated me. The incipient article is, first of all, a tabloid piece. Nobody should take it seriously, even if the women interviewed volunteered unfavourable comments on our fellow men. What seems undeniable unjustifiable are the following replies ("And I thought men and women are equal. If women can lose the ability to cook and clean, why can't we do the same with opening doors and carry bags.", "I agree, we should learn from our vietnamese counterpart and start smacking them womenfolk coz they think we're simply not tough enough"), in addition a picture that one can only say is the work of a misogynist and should be outrightly censured. There is something only so unspeakable about men who think or support such abject misconceptions about women that they deserve to be beaten for speaking up, even if what they say is unpleasurable to hear.

Men will do no better in listening to their own voices, and start refuting the absurb notions about women that conquer our struggle for traditional masculinity and patriarchy. Even if one were to accept the accounts about contemporary women challenging the traditional male dominated role in the family household, to only kick, whine and bicker about this "enmity" is a display of childishness and reckless derogation. If men were to wish to assuage their own fears, they can start by looking at themselves in the mirror and to question their unfounded beliefs about women today. That form of self-criticism will at least be a lot more constructive than applying deleterious labels on females in an attempt to allay their comments or pacify them altogether.

Special People

2005-02-20T12:57:00.000+11:00

Yesterday, I was struck with the notion of defining a special person in our lives. It first started with a person online who had to grapple with the actions of her previous partner. She was worried that he had never considered her as a special person in his life, and that his current actions served to prove that she is currently nobody special. Later on, I was myself caught in a web of confusion and possibly deceit over someone special in my life as well. I was forced to confront what make this person in my life special too.

There are of course many different, and probably an infinity of ways we tell someone how special they are in our lives. These reasons span from similiar identification, common hobbies or interests, shared understanding, homogenous backgrounds, individual care and concern for the other, exceptional love or psychic connections. Sometimes we treat everyone as special and sometimes we only consider a very possible few to be truly special in our histories.

There is, of course, a paradox. Everyone is special. We all know each other to be different and idiosyncractic from everyone else. But why, I am interested to know, is it so important to be considered as a special entity in someone else's lives? Are we purely demanding such treatment from a competitive basis (i.e. I have to be more special than the other "special" people)? Are we truly seeking a spiritual and psychic-like connection with someone else in our lives, and if so, is that priviledge truly allocated to a selected few (or only one person, ala a soul mate)? What benefits do we gain from attaining such a status? To bask in our own individuality or to assert ourselves as human beings?

Even in very collectivistic cultures or societies, or even small tight social groups, I like to think the members still hope to be endowed some special recognition, despite trying their best to conform to the status quo. It is also, I think, a fundamental human aspect to not only seek a status of speciality but also find others who we like to call "special" in our lives. Though the standards and criteria varies among all of us, and as much as we aim to strive for the equality of treatment among all our peers, indeed some do exceed our barest expectations and require us to acknowledge them as different from the "rest".

For what it is worth, this fundamental element in our lives doesn't have to be competitive. We sometimes are not recognised for the special beings that we are, and thats perhaps a fact all of us have to handle in our lives. A special status in someone's lives can never be demanded and we are left to ponder about our own role in the lives of our peers, family members and significant others. A special status is merely the importance of your existence and, I would add, the freedom of expression (not merely verbal) attached to that importance. That right of expression of your character, desires and values comes to be accepted as a critical aspect of yourself which people should not deny and not just accept, but fully attempt to understand as well.

The special people in our lives (and I denote this term with no inverted commas), are the ones we have not only a common linkage with (I don't think this is prerogative though), but we come to truly accept and understand for all their complex and multifaceted nature. I like to think the special people I have in my life (however minimal they are), share a totally different sphere of experience not commonly found in others, made up by our own fastidious and compulsive exploration of each other and with our own potent recipe of emotional cocktail (mixed with love, hate, jealousy, frustration, joy, misery and compassion) that truly forces us to recognise the impact these people have in our lives.

The special people in our lives, we learn to cherish in our own ways.

Postscript: This post is dedicated to the one whom I always deem special, though the favour is not returned. And also to the one who started the search for me.

Homeless

2005-02-14T16:45:00.000+11:00

I am back in Australia. Though I am not flipping open sleeping bags in the streets, I am residing in the living room of my (previously, used-to-be) apartment. I had given my room to my new room mate and reduced myself to lodging my stuff and body in the living room, crashing in the small couch that I owned. On the night of my return, (arrived at 2am), I stared into the darkness of the four walls around me. My roommate's cat kept me company and I was appreciative of its silent presence.

I started to realise that not only was I "homeless", as in not having a house or room to call my own, but also homeless in that I was far away from some of the cherished elements of my life. My home was with my dogs, my niece and my family (in some sense). Being the unsentimental being I am at times, it struck me that I was missing the warm presence of my pets, my niece coming into my room and chasing them, and further the trips my sister and I would undertake with her. Where I was now, as comfortable as I could sink into later, can't truly compare with the little moments we had together.

As I am temporarily "homeless", in every sense of the word, I don't have ready access to all my stuff, which includes the internet and etc. Using the school internet, though delightful, won't provide me with all the materials I rely on to write competent blog entries or surf my daily favourite sites. As such, I will be disabled for a little while, as I move my stuff into a new home (thankfully, I found accomodation closer to school). I guess this truly shows how handicapped we all become when stripped of our earthy assets and a shelter that we arbitrarily call a "home".

On a small note, today is Valentine's Day. Though I don't particularly favour superficial traditions, or commercialized holidays, I have a couple of attached friends who are truly satisfied and blessed for what they have. So this would be my ridiculous "thumbs-up" support for their love in their relationships.

Of Marginality and Exclusion

2005-02-08T04:03:00.000+11:00

Today I had a little reunion with some old classmates of mine. Although I have realised it the whole time, the small niche of companions I still kepp in touch were the same bunch of teenagers that were excluded and marginalized since our time in school. Although most of them have considerably advanced to form more close social bonds with the new friends and peers in their current lives, I still could not help but feel the sense of isolation we all may have shared. From a variety of social backgrounds, from the poor working class to the upper middle class, the dominant Chinese speaker to the dominant English speaker, from separate interests and fields, somehow we were all linked. There was however, one salient difference between us, which was that only I felt the marginalization. Perhaps this would imply that they weren't truly marginalized and that they simply had small social circles, but it struck me that only I was able to discriminate my status in mainstream society.

Marginality however, is not a trait or property I detest. So I could imagine that I may have developed a "fetish" to cling onto my individual status and that my insight and thoughts are constantly pushed by a perpetual urge or desire to be "different". It does also help that one of my greatest fears is to remain as an ordinary average joe, a label that strikes my heart with pangs of anxiety and despair. However, yet deep in my won heart, I know I serve a minute, close to nonexistent, role in this world.

Social exclusion, however, has not diminished my view of the importance of relationships and human lives. So there must be an extravenous factor that would explain what many would dub the murderous and deprived pathological loner to still bear kinship with human peers. To locate this factor, be it playing a causal or contributive or deductive function, is however too complex a task for one lone human to do. It is however, with great speculation that I propose that an intuitive search for trust and honesty in this world that will compel a person to find that factor. Whatever this factor serves to show, it is one that may be innate in us all.

Why should I cry for you?

2005-02-04T01:47:00.000+11:00

(This post is intended to compensate for the lacklustre post below.)

I recalled hearing a statistic sometime ago that everyone of us is supposed to cry an estimated few hundred times in our lives. Its quite a surprising fact, being that the figure quoted is fairly high, and the second being that everyone of us would reach that number. So if you think you aren't shredding enough crocodile tears, who knows when they might be saved for another time.

But it also got me thinking about the kind of tears we don't burst out from the outside. What about the oft-quoted phrase "I'm crying inside"? What about tears that have flown from our eyes but we choose to deny? What about tears that we regret upon because we "don't think thats worth crying for"?

Instinctively we tend to juxtapose our tearful times with moments of sadness. Yet there has also been tears of happiness at our finest achievements, tears of anger at our loved ones for their "indolence" and "stupidity", tears of shame at our decisions in life we should have known better to act upon or the tears of silence when we realised we are at a loss of explaining ourselves in a critical situation. But one thing can be said of all of them. How controllable are we at these moments?

We like to think we are in control of our emotions. But our vulnerability to our own innateness, of our own human quality, to imagine, to think, to feel, to experience phenomeon that is beyond our physical senses is what we wish to escape from. It seems scary to imagine us as biological beings, still controlled by the biochemical processes that run our bodies, and scarier still to grasp a statistic fact that we can't control our own emotional reactions. Yet this should not belittle our own experiences. Motivated by our own environment, the multiplicity of contexts that invoke in us our own "humanness", I think the message cannot be clearer that we need to cry for our own human tragedy.

Postscript: I can tell my writing skill has deteoriated to a large degree.

Killing Life

2005-02-04T01:13:00.000+11:00

Its a curious epiphany. After a long time of spending my time back in my home country, I had almost lost all sense of sympathy and empathy. Morality didn't matter to me. I wasn't concerned with pursuing my heartfelt interest in the complexity and contingencies of this world. Instead, I was infected with an aura of indifference and a pound of nonchalence. I was, to put it frank, contended living my own life in my own space, not bothered with the rest of the world. I couldn't even be bothered with the events happening in my own community, the next block of flats or the country I am in.

I have considered what possibly could be the reasons for my isolation. Had I become lazy? Had I let myself go? There were probably many reasons to account for the evanscence of my compassion but I could hint directly at possible causes: 1) I needed a break away from the world, 2) I have been busy with my own personal life and 3) There's something about this place that induces me to act indifferently.

I am not fearful of the first two reasons. I don't consider them as fair justifications for the moodiness I am supposed to be entitled to feel. What I fear is the third reason. Its inexplainable and yet irrevocably I ponder on this strange "drug effect" my own home country has on me. Initially, before my return, I had planned to transform my room into a cosey and reclusive study dungeon but that has been half-heartedly achieved. I consider myself as a pretty resistant outsider to this world, but it would seem strange that I am not able to protect myself from this overwhelming "stimulant". It's like a relaxer drug that tells you that this place is all you need to be concerned for. Your own status, your own wealth and your own health is all you need to care about. Nothing else matters.

Its almost like my own life was vanishing slowly. For the nth time. But I always come around.

My Second Home (Blog)

2005-02-03T03:16:00.000+11:00

I've spent some time creating a new blog. Instead of adding my entries about my home country in this blog, I will be directing them to my second home (The Police State). If you are interested in my interpretations of current events and the psyche of this nation state, please drop in and take a look. Meanwhile I will concentrate on filling in this blog with more personal entries.

Tell Me Why

2005-01-16T22:33:00.000+11:00

I haven't updated for some time and many things have occured since my last update. While I have revived my KD website, tragedies such as the tsunami attack (which will only excerbate the abject social and economic conditions in developing countries), the Iraq occupation, the Isareli-Palestinian conflict, the Dafur crisis and many more still continue to this day. What seems to escape most people are that injustices are created by only the most advanced species we have come to known but yet the least competent at times. It is perhaps only with strange bewilderment that the simplest of bio-organisms, if they had the intelligence, would probably look at us and wonder where is the extra intelligence and mental faculties we were equipped with to survive in the world and what use they would be if they result in such chaos. The cockroaches will survive past us, ladies and gentlemen, and yet we are the ones capable of reflection and self-awareness.

Recently, I had the opportunity to listen to an old song by the group, Genesis (Phil Collin's former band). I reproduced the lyrics here but there is one thing amiss, the answers to the questions we have. There are plenty of them but somehow I don't think we ever will have the right one. Somehow our lives are filled with the pain and misery of living with multiple answers but yet, never deciding on the final one. But that is the human condition, to contend with the multiplicity and myraid answers in the world, while living our own world.

---------------------------

"Tell Me Why"

Mothers crying in the street
Children dying at their feet, tell me why, ooh tell me why
People starving everywhere
There's too much food but there's none to spare,
Tell me why, oh tell me why

Can you see that shaft of sunlight
can you see it in my eyes
I can feel the fire that's burning
anger and hope so deep
so deep within my heart but before my eyes
for some it's too late
cos it seems there's no-one listening

People sleeping in the streets
no roof above, no food to eat, tell me why, oh tell me why
see the questions in their eyes
listen to their children's cries,
Tell me why, please tell me why

If there's a God, is he watching
can he give a ray of hope
so much pain and so much sorrow
tell me what does he see
when he looks at you
when he looks at me
what would he say
cos it seems there's no-one listening

Who would think it still could happen
even in this time and place
politicians, they may save themselves
ah but they won't save their face
so hope against hope it's not too late

You say there's nothing you can do
is there one rule for them and one for you,
tell me why, just tell my why

Listen can you see that shaft of sunlight
can you see it in my eyes
I can feel the fire that's burning
anger and hope so deep
so deep within my heart but before my eyes
for some it's too late
and it seems there's no-one listening

Hurry for me, hurry for me
Hurry for me, hurry for me, they cry, they cry...

Back in The "Policed State"

2004-12-09T08:57:00.000+11:00

It is quite gratifying to feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong: how nobel! Whereas it is rather hard and certainly depressing to admit guilt and to repent.

Hannah Arendt
Eichmann in Jerusalem

---------------------------------

As I write down the title of this current entry, I am reminded of the fortress stage I am in for Ninja Gaiden (X-Box). Somehow I think there's an uncanny resemblance there....

As I also write this, I am back in my home country. My exam results have been released and I am more than surprised at the unexpected results I received. I had thought worse of my achievements this year, but thankfully, some had turned out for the better. However, I never thought much about grades in the first place, if anything, it would be disappointing to me that my least "effortless" work could be rewarded with a grade that I deem unworthy and undeserving. And even for those subjects I might have received a fair grade, I tend to think I learned the most from there.

I refrain from speaking about personal details of my life but shortly before my return, I have been hit hard by guilt, remorse, anxiety and stress over a close relationship of mine. In handling such an episode, I have tried to manuever out of conventional psychological tricks that would have had a temporary effect on my self-esteem, confidence and perception on my self. I took the hardest route I knew, which was to accept the pain familiar to me so long ago and while not of a religious connotation, my "repentance" derived from my interrogation of my own moral self. I realised that the pain thus endured might never be justified along with the actions that predated my guilt, but it was indeed the real path to healing.

An Unlikely Speaker of Ethics

2004-11-18T20:34:00.000+11:00

A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.

Albert Einstein
New York Times Magazine, 09/11/1930

----------------

Recently, in my home country, the one I dub "Police State", a tragic event has shattered the public consciousness. A little girl was kidnapped and soon found to be dead. What sensationalised the case was that the little girl was the child of a foreign resident, and that the case was shrouded in mystery and anxiety. The emotional significance of the tragedy eventually prompted the collective efforts of a voluntary search team made up by local citizens. The media (which plays a major role in developing a pro-government/pro-state mentality) was quick to praise the "charitable" nature of the country's citizens, especially against the modern barrage of individualism and self-centreness.

However, when it came to the time of the funeral, a different phenomena occured, one that is in direct contrast to the "altruistic" nature proported by the media. A larger turnout was witnessed at the funeral, where "concerned" citizens joted down numbers from any object at the funeral deemed to have superstitutious luck (e.g. the car number of the funeral van). In defense (however remote it can be defended), this is a cultural norm regularly practiced here that has yet to be scrutinized. Optimists may also try to allude to the charitable donations made to the family of the victim during the wake. Sadly, this is where the heart of the matter is. The donations, supposedly thought to be given out of a sympathetic nature, became the new focus of the public consciousness and now were investigated in terms of its use. Apparently, now it is a "grave" issue to the public to be informed of how the family intended to spent the donations and how much they received. Further, if the "good luck" endowed by the donations were not reciprocated, then the donations were considered a poor investment.

In other words, donations, according to its definition in the Oxford dictionary: "a gift bestowed especially to a cause", and perhaps we should add, out of selfless motivation, has become something totally different in the "Police State". It must be deemed to be a worthy social investment that must deliver returns, especially of the monetary kind. For every merit the media was willingly to portray, a deeper analysis shows otherwise. And perhaps unfortunately, it is regarded as an unworthy and valueless discussion.

In the midst of studying for an exam....

2004-11-14T04:45:00.000+11:00

I figure that I wouldn't update my blog till the 24th, which will be the day of my final exam. So I will just add quotes as regularly as I can.

Everyone has observed how much more dogs are animated when they hunt in a pack, than when they pursue their game apart. We might, perhaps, be at a loss to explain this phenomenon, if we had not experience of a similar in ourselves.

- David Hume
A Treatise of Human Nature

One small consolation

2004-11-04T16:11:00.000+11:00

You get 4 more years of funny stuff.

Bush is the Anti-Christ

Incredible

2004-11-04T14:07:00.000+11:00

You know, the startling revelation about the US elections is not that Bush wasn't expected to win. Or that there would still be large electorial votes (states) for him. It's not about the capture of fear or wide spread dose of ignorance among the population. It's that despite being in a free democratic society, one with open free media channels and voices, one that allows dissent and alternative voices, people still don't listen.

No doubt, the thinking process an individual goes through in decising his country's President is complex, and I do not take priviledge in endorsing generalizations about social groups (including a candidates' support group). What I am surprised is that mass groups of people are not sufficiently educated about global world events and simply reduce influential decisions into notions of "good" and "evil". What I am surprised is how much a strong grip religion plays in our culture and surpassing all rational decisions in favour of an irrational belief in saviourship and freedom. And because USA is not a society that clamps down on open ideas, it is fascinating to notice the ideological rigidity maintained by informal (and also formal) social mechanisms.

If what has been criticised about democracy stands true, is that the tyranity of the masses will conquer to their own demise.

Alien Vs Predator Review

2004-10-22T10:08:00.000+10:00

Okay, it has been long enough for this movie to reach local shores, it has been even longer still for fans of both franchises to anticipate this "begging-to-be-made" movie, and now I have watched it last night. I can basically say: the negative reviews were right, the positive ones were written for the wrong reasons.

The fundamental flaw of the movie, I believe, boils down to its central premise: the pyramid. I will be the first to admit, it is indeed a novel concept, pretty intriguing, and the conceptual development of a prison maze within a pyramid has enormous potential. But sad to say, I think it was poorly executed and only led to the bleeding of this film. The problem lies in that Anderson (the director), in one of the first online interviews, spoke about the asethetic beauty of the pyramid and the elaborate efforts invested in designing the battleground. Well great, but we can't see it. When the whole movie is submerged in obscure darkness, nobody is ever going to develop any asethetic admiration of the battleground. Likewise, it is difficult to invoke a sense of suspension when one can't reasonably see what the frigging place is like. Now thats not to say that shadowing effects would lead to an underappreciation of the film, certainly tense events in films are exacerbated by dark shadowing effects, but in trying to combine the purpose of the pyramid with the overall effect, it lacks bite.

Leading up from the pyramid premise, the other flaws march together. The origins of the pyramid, essentially the history of the Predators being worshipped as Gods during the Aztec civilization, comes off as blantantly unrealistic (cf. one scene shows a flashback of the "sacrificial chamber"). Secondly, the prison maze situated in the pyramid, as expected, is an attempt to recreate the same atmosphere in Alien, and Aliens3. While Aliens, Alien: Resurrection, Predator and Predator 2 had some sort of an ongoing hunt in a similiar maze-like environment as well, it was not manifestly postulated to be an important factor. Since AvP intentionly directs our attention to the predicament the humans are in, the prison-maze should be entirely contingent and surprising. Unfortunately, Anderson again refers to a previous device...the prison maze ends up no different than the tunnels within the first Alien movie.

There are other additional devices that, if one so closely inspects, Anderson has relied on from previous movies. Asides from the obvious "bullet effect" (adapted from the Matrix) of the face huggers and chest busters, Weyland (Lance Henrisken) performs Bishop's "knife between fingers" trick brieftly and the repeated "you ugly..." one-liners from a few characters. Even the beginning of the film had an obvious reference to Mission Impossible 2. There is also the "T-Rex Jurassic Park"-like Alien Queen at the end.

Now the main iconic reference, that can't be avoided, is main character Lex (Sanaa Lathan) to Ripley in the previous Alien movie. Although the new heroine somewhat pulls off a different persona to Ripley (since a clone won't be unacceptable), nevertheless the character doesn't come off as particularly memorable. The one exception I noticed regarding character development in this movie was that none of them were portrayed overtly malevolent. Even the wealthy corporate head, presuming devoid of any concern for human life, sacrificed himself in the end.

Then comes the controversial teaming up of Lex and the hero Predator towards the end. This idea has actually been realised in many of the novels, comics and other spin-offs of the Predator, or Alien vs Predator franchises, so it doesn't come off as unacceptable. Indeed, I believe Anderson clearly stole the idea from an early Predator novel. However, the team duo effect was taken to an extreme pole which I deem close to comical. Especially the last scene when the maskless Predator faces Lex, you swear that they were going to kiss. It was equally absurb to have the Predator explain to Lex about his wrist-device activated to bomb mode, and Lex immediately understanding such a gesture. When one includes the extended scene of the Predator and Lex running away from the explosion, it was close to resembling some romantic escapee.

I think most people expected the final battle scene to be between the Alien Queen and the Predator. In some respects, I am pleased about the finale. But even before the fight happened, when the wrist-device of the Predator had practically destroyed and descarated an entire city, one wonders how the Alien Queen miraculously survived.

One can also see Anderson attempts to achieve a delicate balance between the Alien and the Predator. He tries to mantain an equal number of victories between both races, with the final victor obviously being the humans. However, in this race for political correctness, the movie is left with too few fights, in fact only one true fight between a Predator and an Alien. The rest were simply "quick-shots" of fatality and much too brief.

There is also one inconsistency about the Aliens. Most fans have remarked about the speedy development process of the chest buster after the humans were impregnanted by the face huggers. In all fairness, Anderson has defended this by explaining in an interview that he had intended to insert a scene explaining this. However, it doesn't explain why the Predator seemed to resist much longer. It also makes no sense to introduce the "Predalien" chest bugger in the ending, when we aren't going to see its full adult development. And sequels, let's be honest, are not always a guaranteed.

Having said all that, is there truly nothing positive to be mentioned? Again, to be honest, I did enjoy the film, if not just to see two of my favourite sci-fi characters in a duel I long dreamed of. Seeing the Alien reinvented with CG effects, or the Predator with shiny armour and advanced weapons was a clear delight. it only saddens me that the concept of this inter-galatic duel was pulled off by mediocre efforts and perhaps by the overambitious nature of the project (I believe the lack of action scenes is due to inadequate development time). The only sincere hope I have now is that someone reinvents the concept (this is highly unlikely) or that a new director takes charge for a sequel.

Lastly, this movie has ranked the lowest of all box office records among all the Alien and Predator films. A true testament to the lack of "bite" as compared to its predecessors....

Oh and the number of people who watched this movie. Four. Including me.

While reading Mr. Schopenhauer.....

2004-10-21T13:11:00.000+10:00

"Every miserable fool who has nothing at all of which he can be proud, adopts as a last resource pride in the nation to which he belongs; he is ready and happy to defend all its faults and follies tooth and nail, thus reimbursing himself for his own inferiority."

- Arthur Schopenhauer
Aphorisms

Says a lot, doesn't it?

On second thought.....

2004-10-20T01:06:00.000+10:00

I thought I would expand on a scheduled "dream " list of countries whereby I visit the people I fathomed having a day or two with...

1. Fat Cat Lim:- In either Malaysia or Australia.
Have to sweep his feet while he is showing me his DDR moves. This should coincide with him trying to impress some chick.

2. Penguin:- Hong Kong.
Stick him in the boiler room. Or cook him. Either way he says he can design a city. He better prove it.

3. Zyzyfer:- Korea.
Hmmm.....just want to see what he is up with. He better not be feasting on dogs.

4. Sycia:- Japan.
Seeing that she is on cloud 9 because of the Japanese food there, she better show me some good places.

5. Magitek-X:- Puerto Rico?
One way or another, give him a scar like Squall. Except it is intended as disfigurement.

6. Batsu Power:- Saudi Arabia.
Smash his head with Evil Shingo.

7. Evil Shingo:- Kuwait.
See Above. Also squash him too.

8. Shiva:- France.
Learn French.

Now to the USA....

9. Iori E
I really must see him cosplay. And laugh my ass off.

10. Margolye
She should join me and Iori E.

11. Master Kusanagi
Hmmm....a duel?

12. Arex
Teach him some manners.

13. Shiny
Get him on a spot in Sex & the City. Or he must be already inside with one of those elegant "bachelor" extras.

14. Kyo-wa
Might have disappeared to another place because she is one BIG SCAREDY CAT to FACE ME.

Then a transition to Canada....

15. Edgey
Will help her name all her furry felines.....

16. Oro
Contest about the merits of authoritarianism with him while listening to Akiwa Nanase....

Is that the end?

Long Absencex2

2004-10-19T23:46:00.000+10:00

Ok, I don't think it needs to be pointed out that I have neglected my blog for a long time. So perhaps its time to add in something small.

It's been a busy time for me. This is my last semester, and some fortunate and unfortunate things have started to happen. I am also left with the choice to decide on my future next year. So far, I am pretty sure that there exists no barrier to my preferred path, although I have other interests I wish to pursue. It almost seems like I never want to leave university.

I had one lingering thought the other day, one that has not left for a long time. I still envisage myself taking a trip around the world, visiting the mates I have acquainted myself with from the KD forums. Hmph...me visiting these bunch of fools. What a laugh.

Which reminds me, will KD be revived again? I hear the sounds of silence when I need to hear the cries of volunteers....

A Long Absence Thanks to...

2004-08-20T13:53:00.000+10:00

Stupid bureaucracy.

Basically, my phone line has been disconnected, thanks to dumb protocols and policies by the managing telecommunications company. In the meantime, I have to use the school computer for internet activities, and can never stay long enough to fill in a worthy substantial blog entry. Now that I've finished my 20-movie marathon, I intend to talk about some of the brilliant and informative entries I've watched. There were also the fun and enjoyable ones which are quite a delight.

For now, I highly recommend, if you have the chance, to watch The 'Yes Men' and The Corporation. In fact, I insist that you do yourself a big favour and watch them even if it means not catching "The Apprentice" or "(insert whatever country) Idol" or "Survivor" or whatever crap. Although both are documentaries, their style of focus and cinematographic content diverge in bipolar extremes. The 'Yes Men' is a humourous adventure of a group of individuals who take potshots at global organizations, particularly the WTO, by impersonating themselves as representatives in formal presentations and ceremonies. The gags, pranks and far-fetched schemes to subvert the WTO is unbelievable far-out but yet strangely readily accepted by corporate managers and officers around the world. Even if you aren't politically-inclined, or believe in fair representation of global socio-economics, this is still a first rate laugh track.

The Corporation is however, charged with informative and serious discussion on the role of corporations in modern capitalism today. With several interviews from intellectuals such as Milton Friedman, Howard Zinn, Naomi Klein and Noam Chomsky, and more (in fact, this is the elaborative list of individuals in the film) , juxtaposed with excerpts and case studies of corporate activity and deviance, we are introduced to not only a historical analysis of today's most powerful institution, but its sociological-economical role, its power structure and all-too-important future developments. I did manage to engage with the director, Mark Achbar who was down to provide a Q&A session.

More recommendations next time.

My Current Progress

2004-07-24T21:48:00.000+10:00

Let me count the ways:

1) Have not started on a 4,000 word essay due by next Thursday. Completed my research, have not read all of them and have not written a single word yet.

2) School starts next Monday, and although I had about a month to work on the essay stipulated earlier, I had essentially filled my whole month with readings of another nature unrelated to my essay.

3) Booked 15 (and possibly more) films to watch since Friday to the 8th of August because it is the international film festival and I realised that if I don't watch them now, I most probably wouldn't chance upon them again.

4) No room-mate yet situated in my apartment, I have to consider a "Plan B" if this persists.

5) Have not even chosen a concrete topic for my second essay due on the 16th of August.

I promised not to input any personal musings of my private life, but given the present catastrophe, it looks like I can't deliver the writings I wished to insert in this blog. But I will do my best anyway.

Life sure can be wonderful at times.

Quote of the Day

2004-07-12T21:38:00.000+10:00

"What a country calls its vital economic interests are not the things which enable its citizens to live, but the things which enable it to make war. Gasoline is much more likely than wheat to be a cause of international conflict."

- Simone Weil
The Need for Roots

I just finished another book that deserves recommendation and as such, a review. I will update this tidbit next, which is synonymous with the above quote.

July the 10th

2004-07-10T17:30:00.000+10:00

On a personal note, to start off this entry, today is the birthday of someone dear to me. I bid her the sincerest form of birthday wishes, that her day would be joyful and blessed with abundant happiness. Birthdays, I suppose, represent the little moments of our life where we can indulge in unequivocal superfluous enjoyment, beyond the extend or limits we impose on ourselves in daily social life. Perhaps this socially-constructed festival means even more than ever in this new age of complexity and servitude to our work for a functioning society.

On another note, less personal but no doubt as important and pertinent, the International Court of Justice has ruled that the barrier wall Israel has built on the West Bank violates international law, though the State of Israel has refuted compliance to the order of tearing down the wall. The event is certainly a huge milestone in history, as Israel and the United States are now told off from the other nations of the world. Unfortunately news coverage has overestimated, once again, the simplicity of the matter, by pitting only the opponents of Israel and the Arab nations. There is a wider interplay of forces, America of course being a prominent player, and the objective of all forces must be on the same ground: to restore peace and stability in the region. Perhaps we should hope that states and nations will obey the letter and the spirit of the law (however skeptical I am of the effectiveness of law in as of itself), but difficulties in regulating states to follow the law will precede any form of disobedience by states. What we can only interpret from this significant message is that the world always has a voice in matters that can establish peace and stability, and this universal rule should always be complied, even if without law.

News Source - World Court rules Israel's West Bank barrier illegal
- Arabs Want Israeli Barrier Destroyed

A Little Too Long and A Short Expose on Education

2004-07-03T19:15:00.001+10:00

Looks like I haven't been updating my blog for too long. I just recently completed two weeks worth of intensive classes, and had the time of my life during the whole time. Both weeks were filled with the runnings of two course subjects which, needless to say, formed an inspiring point within the development of my education and lifecourse as well. I always found that the best form of education were those crucial elements which made up a holistic representation of your personality, morale and values. Education and its interpretive meaning have been a contested debate within public policy, as educators, governments and parents (with their respective opponents, children) debate over the merits and benefits of education, constructing it in a discourse that seems to suggest it is a superimposed entity succumbing to our interpolation. That seems to me to be a pitiful excuse and misgiven notion to recommend an authoritarian-style of education, which constraints and restricts the creative explorative talents children should utilize. Instead, education is a discourse fundamental to all aspects of human life and to the human condition, not just enforced in schools and institutions but in everyday interactions and social life. How we treat education, how we define and phrase it, and most crucially how we represent it in our psyche will direct the rewards bestown on us in life.

Nothing New, Something Current

2004-06-10T15:31:00.000+10:00

Unfortunately I am unable to provide any novel insight for some time, as exams tend to occupy any discursive thoughts and have to be dealt with in the meantime. So while I have exams on the one hand (quite a plentiful including additional classes I have taken up), the other issue that I am juggling with is movement out of my lone residence into shared accomodation.

It needs no second guessing that I have been a classic hermit, been very reclusive, anti-social and reticient on sharing my privacy with others. However, it is with strange wonder and perhaps unimaginable amazement that I decided to withdraw from my "ascetic" lifestyle and afford myself an opportunity to live in shared housing with other peers. I shouldn't dramatize this to be a giant leap, I have, so as to speak, taken "baby steps" and subdue this "leap of faith" by resorting to stay with one person. He/She would be a stranger and more than likely still distanced from my own privacy or sphere of space.

I am not afraid nor anxious about the shift I voluntarily undertake now, in fact I am partly overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation of stepping into new boundaries. Most people would never view this as a "grand move" but I like to think we have our little challenges ahead of us that will pave the way to larger goals and achievements. For me, this marks as one of them.

A Little Song Dedication

2004-06-01T18:34:00.000+10:00

Since everyone needs a good laugh or two now and then, here's a little song for you.

Eric Idle of Monty Python Fame FCC Song
Original Website

A Thinking Fear

2004-05-26T20:17:00.000+10:00

Certainly one may say, ‘Freedom to speak or write can be taken from us by a superior power, but never the freedom to think!’ But how much, and how correctly, would we think if we did not think, as it were, in common with others, with whom we mutually communicate!

Immanuel Kant
Critique of Practical Reason

Today a paralyzing fear gripped me in the afternoon. While I wish it was due to not updating my blog for a week, the reason for the sudden tang of this fienish fear had to do with my reticient acknowledgement that I would soon leave my current residence and return to my home country. It was an ineffable feeling, I was overwhelmed with irate anger, rage, sadness, melancholy and especially hatred that I must return to a place that I could no longer bear living in. I sought for the reasons for why this is so, controlling my querulous disposition to vituperate SP21, and to search for the verity of my reluctance. As I sat down to write vociferously about my intense fear, I then realised that a recent seminar accosted the tension within me. It was a seminar on "What is thinking for?", featuring two philosophy authors in conversation, Alain de Botten and John Armstrong.

1) Thinking helps refine our self-knowledge. Unlike hunger, our self-beliefs and values are not as precise and immediate. They can't be detected as readily unlike when we experience a hunger pang, where we know what we want to eat. Thinking focuses on our internal dialogue, and reaffirms our priorities and values in life.

2) Thinking helps identify ourself within our social environment, peers, family and external world. We are bombarded with a plethora of conflicting excessive information from our external surroundings, that to encounter and wade through this sensory overload is a daunting vexing task. Thinking is our cognitive tool to abscond from the torrent of assaulting information, and to position ourself in this revolving stormy world.

3) Thinking reduces our fear. We hear the common phrase, "you got nothing to fear but fear itself" which we should deconstruct. Fear is the representation of our emotion in reacting to uncertain, inconsistant or an unknown stimuli. We fear for our "future" because we can't predict the future, and we fear our "own selves" sometimes because we aren't sure of what we want or need. Thinking resolves and ameliorates our morose disposition to the portentous events of our life, it reduces doubts and constructs confidence in its place.

4) Thinking alleviates loneliness. The normality of life can be threatening to our internal states, while we no doubt desire for our own seclusion from the obfuscating world, we also panick over the ostentatious soundness of a routine lifestyle. We may be said to have a proclivity for vivaciousness, and thinking, as an antecedent, creates a congruous reception to other people's thoughts which align with ours. Thinking is a cure to the disease of "loneliness", as it reconnects our social needs with the discursive thoughts of others.

I was afraid that my return to SP21, in a word, would obliterate my freedom to think and express my thoughts. It is like a decree to stop "thinking". Thinking would be abysmal, it would only breed ignorance and regurgitate orthodox "truths". I was afraid that my adventure in thinking, not just by myself but with others who cherish the gifts of catholic thinking and rejection of parochial mindsets, would end, rendering a cessation in an utmost prudential task of human well-being. It is only with an incontrovertible tenacity to overcome social barriers that I must continue my quest.

The impassivity of a nation?

2004-05-19T00:40:00.000+10:00

Came across a letter today in the newspapers and decided to highlight this particular letter. While the crux of the forum letter addressed the failure of reported child abuse cases, I emphasised the following portion:

"...SP21's reluctance to intervene in the affairs of our fellow men, even for the greater good, comes as no surprise.

The fact that we are living in one of the world's most densely-populated cities has ironically caused us to become immune to the needs of our neighbours. In crowded urban environments, the tendency is for humans to retreat into our shells, our little abodes-in-the-sky, preserving what little privacy and space we have. This cheek-by-jowl living has resulted in us living insular and anonymous lives, with an overriding fear of involvement.

Mrs Hillary Clinton wrote that it takes a village to raise a child. In the good old days, we had legions of relatives and friendly neighbours on hand to help out in any trouble. However, ensconced in our little pigeon holes, many of us seem intent on getting on with our lives, beset by our own problems. Our knowledge of and bond with our neighbours have become too superficial for us to help in times of crisis.

I live with three other families on the same floor. Doors are closed most of the time. Our one and only interaction, if you can call it that, happens by chance in the lift or in the lobby.

I am sure that many people have experienced the interminable minutes stuck in a lift with nothing at all to say to the virtual strangers who happen to live in the same block as us. In this state of affairs, is it any wonder that people have grown withdrawn and indifferent to the predicaments of others?

The problems we face are not unique. This situation is emblematic of countless other urban centres. Just walk into any crowded city and you would find the same pervasive anonymity and self-imposed isolation. Is this sense of detachment and isolation from the community an inevitable price to pay for progress and city living?...."

There are some envisaged assumptions about the brusquely chores of urban living. The author conjectured that modernistic-dense environments propogated a pernicious self-inflicted conscription of anonymity and isolation. Such a claim should not be construed as tacitly inevitable but be reconsidered as an endogenous growth within our own community. To consternate that all urban societies (who are heterogenous with different socio-cultural norms and value systems) engender this anomie perpetuates a fallacy. Similarly, one can ask the author to acknowledge her agonizing disenchantment and liberate herself from her own "self-imposed isolation" as she stated. Don't ignore the agency involved in members of a society, thats how societies change and evolve (hopefully for a positive egalitarian cause). Rather one should impugn such abject capitulation with solemn parlance to effect amiable solutions.

Incidentally, I don't wish to embellish my own blog with derogatory rhetoric of "moral decay", rather my objective is to expunge and parlay all these negativitism for positive collary with a prudent analysis, as I promised. These insight pieces, unfortunately, will be sporadic, considering the favourable circumstances to scribe and debrief them.

Book Review

2004-05-17T17:38:00.000+10:00

Book Title: The Age of Consent: Manifesto for a New World Order
Author: George Monbiot

If anyone still thinks that the world is living on an equal distribution of wealth, a just economic system (or that economic systems are unbiased and objective), or otherwise severely ignorant of current world order, this book shatters every illusion you had. This is quasi-essentially a manifesto advocating a radical change in global political-economic systems, where a reigning hegemony by rich nations dictate the austerity in the poverty of poor nations and abet a sordid oligopolistic hierarchy that expedites the wealth of rich corporations/nations by "sucking the resources of defenseless nations". It is hard to criticize a book when one lacks the expertise but there is no doubt the ideas presented have been carefully thought of, considered and palatble (except to rich nations) to anyone who is wont to changing the insensate abuse by politically incorrect nations.

There is one question left unanswered, though not necessarily in this book. That is, why should we care? The last chapter makes a seemingly urgent call/harangue for immediate action, which is the missing ingredient in this global war for fair political-economic trade. Even for many enthuasists, the author notes that an insufficient participation by many unconcerned is an incipient problem. This abject condition exculpates any moral conscience for change.

I am left to wonder, how can I systematically propose a moral philosophical argument for the formation of a social conscious to care for the people of poor nations. Suffice to say, now I am ostensibly relying on an intuitive moral propensity to care for people even despite never knowing them. How can one convince others to imprecate a similar investment? This question I will answer another day.

Emotional Development of a Society?

2004-05-15T01:35:00.000+10:00

Being out with a few classmates today, we eventually engaged into an interesting debate regarding the emotional development of children or rather adults who have reached a plateau in developing into emotionally mature individuals. While I was not an active participant in the discussion, the commentaries and statements struck a chord with me, which I shall now conjecture.

The general hypothesis exegesis was that in relative to the older generation (i.e. our parents, grandparents and above ancestors though no exact limit was stipulated), the current generation of today are not as "emotionally mature". Bereft of personal emotional maturity, today's youngsters are boor, coarse, licentious, sordid, corrupt and just plain "immature". The underlying factors were attributed to a growing concentration of focus on intellectual development (c.f. the knowledge-based economy), lack of parental support and the changing modern capitalistic society (although no reference in the conversation specifically indicated "capitalistic", they considered the capitalistic nature of the work environment as the factor).

This comparison to previous monuments and societies in our past is certainly idyllic, and claims were adduced that a real important change/shift in emotional politick or economy was drastically called for. It seems that these intuitive comparisons suffice on some phenomenological grounds, simply, people may simply "feel" that others are not as emotionally developed as before. Since a study on scientific validity is impossible, we should reflect on a possible palpatable interpretation form of history.

Strangely, we do find that perhaps our history demonstrates little resolve in our ancestors' emotional maturity. We have come from the disasters/crises of racism, sexism, two World Wars, genocidal conflicts and certainly a few other "moral crises" we can easily sum up. We could be said to have learnt and repent for our past mistakes, but that doesn't absolve or palliate our own crimes. Consider how societal members have reacted together as insurgents towards a "moral crisis", such movements have picked up a faster pace than before, and collective trepidation from our own quietude has forced us to develop an emerging moral conscious. We are heading somewhere but the road won't be easy.

But this progressive appraisal won't reach its zenith if countered by the forces of industrial economy. In a micro-environmental sense, my classmates' comments were centred on the social family structure and its evolving mutation. Since parents now work on full-time jobs, we don't expect them to vivaciously spent time with children, depreciating them from emotional growth. Further, the responsibilities of parents' have dissolved into childcare centres, nannies/maids, guardians and etc. While research is still young on the consequences of alternative practices of child-care development, nevertheless a salient decisive link between biological parents and the child's socio-emotional development retains as very critical in the childs' personality development. Lest we misconstrue this as indicative of derogating female's rights to work, the father is also a significant role player in the process, albeit the mother with her maternal instincts is inexplicitly sancrosanct.

Thus, it seems in a very intuitive sense that there is no hiatus in confering my classmates' beliefs on the rising "despondent" generation, or what they dubbed the new "pragmatics". Especially discerning is the observation that these comments surmised from the citizens of the SP21 country. As I quipped in this remark, they inconvertibly absconded themselves as culprits but clairvoyant outsiders who knew the truth about SP21. What became most alarming was when one of them ratified SP21's policies as prerogatives, thus insisting that the decline of moral or emotional development was "inevitable", which suffused a heated rebukement from the others that this must be "changed".

In summary, and to simplify the debate, they saw humans as lacking in emotional development compared to our ancestors. The nuance in emotional (and perhaps moral) development might be the capricious side-effects of modern societies, especially industrious nations. While I agreed that perhaps on a microlevel, this is what they are experiencing, but on a global scale, I hopefully expect this form of social-moral-emotional consciousness to grow. I also believe that a glaring omission in the discussion was individuals as "active participants" in the process. Social, cultural values does influence us to a greater degree than we like to believe, but we are not "blank slates". WE can enact and reinterpret social messages to sculpt our own "world".

Now when one of them was willingly to sacrifice the lack of emotional maturity for economical prosperity, that was obstreperous to me, she was essentially saying, "nothing should be done, society will evolve further into less emotional creatures, and this is fine." This statement may not be as impactful until she defended her belief that SP21 is "just like that". It shouldn't be changed, nor does it need be.

This superfluous example was not ephemeral, as I alluded to in my earlier post, it is an exemplary of an ingrained mindset that should be struck with enmity.

Search for Truth

2004-05-13T21:19:00.000+10:00

Quote of our time

If you would be a real seeker after truth, you must at least once in your life doubt, as far as possible, all things.

Rene Descartes
Discourse on Method

The 21st Century Police State

2004-05-13T02:27:00.000+10:00

When one is present in a new environment, one is reminded again of his/her origins. One's own idiosyncratic identity is reinforced and salient in novel surroundings, and one must then purge the etiology of his own beliefs and upbringings.

There is a place, and I shall dub it the "Policed-State" (abbreviated to SP21) for now. Why this label or perhaps epithet? This place has been labelled other unique names, such as the "air-conditioned island", "benign authoritarian" but I think the "policed state" is of the best fit. Because we are dealing with a place, where I belonged, which will evolve sooner or later into the perfect epitome of a rigidly-structured, closely surveillant island that will micro-manage every aspect of its citizens' lives. Note that this is not a extremist view, its one meekly accepted by its own citizens, in fact perfectly acceptable, because there is no other options, no remotely fathomable alternative than to capitulate to the status quo, authority and power just to cage the "chaos" citizens themselves are afraid to risk. The "Policed-State" doesn't care about salvagable options, it doesn't concern itself with petty emotions and humanity, it expects results. Thats how the "Policed-State" runs, and as movie taglines say "Failure is never an option".

What particular characteristics do we expect from a modern "policed-state"? What can PS21 offer to tell us about future, modernity, technology, morals, tradition, culture, humanity and most importantly, social life? A lot because if we expect individual autonomy to be subscribed to the norms of state's institutions, and never anything less or otherwise, we expect the fine mechanics of a well-oiled machine. A perfect machine, one might say, churned by input and output, knowing no other duty. Below are some of the features we should find:

1) Authority is unquestioned, unrepentable, unrefutable and unapologetic. It makes no mistake, because authoritarianism doesn't allow any other form of power, except its own. There will be no discourse or current of power, because it will dissemble any collective effort to modify it. Contrast with the police agency, they also are assigned power to be used, and to overcome any other power that runs counter to it. Neither does the police question its own power, they simply must enforce it.

2) Loss of individual autonomy. When one observes a social group (e.g. a group of friends), one will find shared effort to achieve goals. But there's also one important element for such dynamics to be shared. Individual autonomy is still retained in such projects, and perhaps encouraged because harmonous social groups will attend to the needs of its members and engender a solution accepted by most. A policed social group will elevate a goal to its top priority, while rendering other interests obsolete, possibly crashing with other reasonable expediency. When we expect the police to act, we expect the same cursory vacuity, that loss of autonomy to make decisions not of your own but prescribed by rules (e.g. the law, proper conduct, etc). The "policed-state" would expect its citizens to follow this protocol.

3) Discreet Surveillance. The police do not watch over your every step, move nor breath, but that doesn't mean they aren't able to. In fact, the "policed-state" will never be able to manage such a ambitious tumultous task, but since it can't overtly watch over everyone, it will do so covertly. Readers of George Orwell's 'Big Brother' forget that the individuals in the totalitarian society are aware of their invasion of privacy, but to fund such a flagrant inclement project is impossible without rebukement from the citizens. Thus, surveillance is best met by discreet practices, while clandestine activities are mobile.

4) Potent Indoctrination. This deleterious side-effect produces itself, while not incipient within the process, it systematically presents itself. It is is germane to the process of institutionalization and militates the individuals caught up in it. However, the system is widely cast to every micro-aspect of social life, thus individuals are inevitably annexed into the process. The police and any other orderly organizations can't function without some degree of indoctrination of norms and rules, even if it is a iota of concedence to the dogma.

5) Progress is the top priority. There need not be any explanation, nothing else matters but progress. But progress is confined to specific discourses or fields, and here we meet abysmal goals. Avarice remains the key word to describe such behaviour, while the balderdash of morals and values are wont to their capricious manipulation. Which leaves the last important feature, the crux of the dynamic process:

6) Manufactured Consent.

In the course of time, I will reveal the intricacies of this social-political process. While I understand that I made some prejudgmental statements on my own country, I am not impugning nor vilifying the place. There are trade-offs, and positive outcomes have emerged from such a system. My question is how far do we pay for these benfits, are they unattainable from other forms of action and how much do we wish to give up for the "perfect" parismonious tutelage of a 21st century modernistic home? Because this place is no longer an ostensible stationary, numb and insipid environment, but become the very concotment of a very breathing robotic metaphysical entity that may be virulent in us all.

A question of morals

2004-05-13T02:01:00.000+10:00

Ever since the release of the Iraq prisoner abuse in the Abu Ghraib prisoner (where US soldiers perpetuate the same horrific tortureous practices of Saddam Hussein), there have been two kinds of outcries. One is especially prominent and common, which has been the questioning of the motives of the "Coalition of the Willing". This ubitiqious denouncement is one of aghast, at how US soliders could be just as dehumanized as the very same villians they were trying to dispose of. The other kind of outcry, while not predominantly stricken with moral insinulations, is that such abuses are only "rotten apples" and that the quest still continues for the liberation of Iraq.

The details of such criticism and discussion is enveloping in many media channels, this anyone is left to his/her own discretion to read and dissect. However, this issue of morals, who is justifiably right or wrong, who deserves to wield such use, as is evident in the excuse of "routine practices for interrogation", and lastly, are morals really unsound and indiscriminated here? This isn't so much of a moral dilemma, anyone knows full well that any civilized society wouldn't condone such behaviour, rather this is a calamity of emotions, at seeing for once, how individuals very similar to us (or perhaps not), at how the social conditions of war (and a highly contestable one) are irrefragible contingent and powerful to tranform what seems "our trusted comrade" into the beast we thought we vanquished.

In my perspective, anyone who is half-witted enough shouldn't expect any better, in fact nobody should be surprised. War is as such, just as in a time of occupation, nothing extraordinarily different should be expected, The impetus is on us, and our interpretation of the consequences in this current fiasco.

Note: My next entry will coincide with my previously mentioned subject in the first entry.

An invitation to a broader domain

2004-05-13T01:46:00.000+10:00

Considering that my tv broke down, that I am bored shit, that my wandering mind is restless, and thoughts should not go to waste, I've decided to built a secure (?) habitat to pen down what seems to be vestiges of a life one can't concretely grab and hold.

It is of great absurdity to write down the personal happenings or observational experiences in this web blog, it merely exacerbates the boredom of a routine life, and demands no exhilaration or effort. Instead, it is only of selfish ambition to pen down the thoughts of analytical subjects, not as narcisstic vainglorious demonstration of intellectual skill (for anyone else can perform such an innate act), but to perforce crack open a closed parochial mind, to break frontiers in a social world, and to ascend higher modes of thought. Thus my subtitle: Expanding Horizons. Thinking is a gift that we should spare no costs, an activity not for the leisurely mundane but must be enforced as a univeral concept, not too cheap nor too extravagent for anyone to spent. It demands our dexterity and spontaneity.

Tomorrow onwards, I shall start. And my first subject belongs to an important subset of social life: where I belong.