Back in The "Policed State"
It is quite gratifying to feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong: how nobel! Whereas it is rather hard and certainly depressing to admit guilt and to repent.
Hannah Arendt
Eichmann in Jerusalem
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As I write down the title of this current entry, I am reminded of the fortress stage I am in for Ninja Gaiden (X-Box). Somehow I think there's an uncanny resemblance there....
As I also write this, I am back in my home country. My exam results have been released and I am more than surprised at the unexpected results I received. I had thought worse of my achievements this year, but thankfully, some had turned out for the better. However, I never thought much about grades in the first place, if anything, it would be disappointing to me that my least "effortless" work could be rewarded with a grade that I deem unworthy and undeserving. And even for those subjects I might have received a fair grade, I tend to think I learned the most from there.
I refrain from speaking about personal details of my life but shortly before my return, I have been hit hard by guilt, remorse, anxiety and stress over a close relationship of mine. In handling such an episode, I have tried to manuever out of conventional psychological tricks that would have had a temporary effect on my self-esteem, confidence and perception on my self. I took the hardest route I knew, which was to accept the pain familiar to me so long ago and while not of a religious connotation, my "repentance" derived from my interrogation of my own moral self. I realised that the pain thus endured might never be justified along with the actions that predated my guilt, but it was indeed the real path to healing.
Hannah Arendt
Eichmann in Jerusalem
---------------------------------
As I write down the title of this current entry, I am reminded of the fortress stage I am in for Ninja Gaiden (X-Box). Somehow I think there's an uncanny resemblance there....
As I also write this, I am back in my home country. My exam results have been released and I am more than surprised at the unexpected results I received. I had thought worse of my achievements this year, but thankfully, some had turned out for the better. However, I never thought much about grades in the first place, if anything, it would be disappointing to me that my least "effortless" work could be rewarded with a grade that I deem unworthy and undeserving. And even for those subjects I might have received a fair grade, I tend to think I learned the most from there.
I refrain from speaking about personal details of my life but shortly before my return, I have been hit hard by guilt, remorse, anxiety and stress over a close relationship of mine. In handling such an episode, I have tried to manuever out of conventional psychological tricks that would have had a temporary effect on my self-esteem, confidence and perception on my self. I took the hardest route I knew, which was to accept the pain familiar to me so long ago and while not of a religious connotation, my "repentance" derived from my interrogation of my own moral self. I realised that the pain thus endured might never be justified along with the actions that predated my guilt, but it was indeed the real path to healing.
