Back in The "Policed State"
It is quite gratifying to feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong: how nobel! Whereas it is rather hard and certainly depressing to admit guilt and to repent.
Hannah Arendt
Eichmann in Jerusalem
---------------------------------
As I write down the title of this current entry, I am reminded of the fortress stage I am in for Ninja Gaiden (X-Box). Somehow I think there's an uncanny resemblance there....
As I also write this, I am back in my home country. My exam results have been released and I am more than surprised at the unexpected results I received. I had thought worse of my achievements this year, but thankfully, some had turned out for the better. However, I never thought much about grades in the first place, if anything, it would be disappointing to me that my least "effortless" work could be rewarded with a grade that I deem unworthy and undeserving. And even for those subjects I might have received a fair grade, I tend to think I learned the most from there.
I refrain from speaking about personal details of my life but shortly before my return, I have been hit hard by guilt, remorse, anxiety and stress over a close relationship of mine. In handling such an episode, I have tried to manuever out of conventional psychological tricks that would have had a temporary effect on my self-esteem, confidence and perception on my self. I took the hardest route I knew, which was to accept the pain familiar to me so long ago and while not of a religious connotation, my "repentance" derived from my interrogation of my own moral self. I realised that the pain thus endured might never be justified along with the actions that predated my guilt, but it was indeed the real path to healing.
Hannah Arendt
Eichmann in Jerusalem
---------------------------------
As I write down the title of this current entry, I am reminded of the fortress stage I am in for Ninja Gaiden (X-Box). Somehow I think there's an uncanny resemblance there....
As I also write this, I am back in my home country. My exam results have been released and I am more than surprised at the unexpected results I received. I had thought worse of my achievements this year, but thankfully, some had turned out for the better. However, I never thought much about grades in the first place, if anything, it would be disappointing to me that my least "effortless" work could be rewarded with a grade that I deem unworthy and undeserving. And even for those subjects I might have received a fair grade, I tend to think I learned the most from there.
I refrain from speaking about personal details of my life but shortly before my return, I have been hit hard by guilt, remorse, anxiety and stress over a close relationship of mine. In handling such an episode, I have tried to manuever out of conventional psychological tricks that would have had a temporary effect on my self-esteem, confidence and perception on my self. I took the hardest route I knew, which was to accept the pain familiar to me so long ago and while not of a religious connotation, my "repentance" derived from my interrogation of my own moral self. I realised that the pain thus endured might never be justified along with the actions that predated my guilt, but it was indeed the real path to healing.
2 Comments:
At 4:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Meh, it is nice to know that you are back home in one piece. How long does flights usually take from 'Pore to Australia?
I hope you are feeling a lot better now, Evans. At least you did not had an anxiety attack like I did. I guess when it comes to getting over some 'issues' in his/her life, a person tend to act out of character, you get my drift?
Kyo
At 4:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
You suck! Who educated you dammit? How come your language is so .... thingy, you know, upper echelons of literary elite sort of thing! Can you read Foucault? I bloody well can't and it's pissing me off coz I need to! Primer for me, ah well. Perhaps I will peruse through your passions, harangue your heart and molest your mind, as you seem prime for the picking...
gunny
ps. it's "noble" not "nobel" unless you're making some sort of pun on the peace prise.
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