Killing Life
Its a curious epiphany. After a long time of spending my time back in my home country, I had almost lost all sense of sympathy and empathy. Morality didn't matter to me. I wasn't concerned with pursuing my heartfelt interest in the complexity and contingencies of this world. Instead, I was infected with an aura of indifference and a pound of nonchalence. I was, to put it frank, contended living my own life in my own space, not bothered with the rest of the world. I couldn't even be bothered with the events happening in my own community, the next block of flats or the country I am in.
I have considered what possibly could be the reasons for my isolation. Had I become lazy? Had I let myself go? There were probably many reasons to account for the evanscence of my compassion but I could hint directly at possible causes: 1) I needed a break away from the world, 2) I have been busy with my own personal life and 3) There's something about this place that induces me to act indifferently.
I am not fearful of the first two reasons. I don't consider them as fair justifications for the moodiness I am supposed to be entitled to feel. What I fear is the third reason. Its inexplainable and yet irrevocably I ponder on this strange "drug effect" my own home country has on me. Initially, before my return, I had planned to transform my room into a cosey and reclusive study dungeon but that has been half-heartedly achieved. I consider myself as a pretty resistant outsider to this world, but it would seem strange that I am not able to protect myself from this overwhelming "stimulant". It's like a relaxer drug that tells you that this place is all you need to be concerned for. Your own status, your own wealth and your own health is all you need to care about. Nothing else matters.
Its almost like my own life was vanishing slowly. For the nth time. But I always come around.
I have considered what possibly could be the reasons for my isolation. Had I become lazy? Had I let myself go? There were probably many reasons to account for the evanscence of my compassion but I could hint directly at possible causes: 1) I needed a break away from the world, 2) I have been busy with my own personal life and 3) There's something about this place that induces me to act indifferently.
I am not fearful of the first two reasons. I don't consider them as fair justifications for the moodiness I am supposed to be entitled to feel. What I fear is the third reason. Its inexplainable and yet irrevocably I ponder on this strange "drug effect" my own home country has on me. Initially, before my return, I had planned to transform my room into a cosey and reclusive study dungeon but that has been half-heartedly achieved. I consider myself as a pretty resistant outsider to this world, but it would seem strange that I am not able to protect myself from this overwhelming "stimulant". It's like a relaxer drug that tells you that this place is all you need to be concerned for. Your own status, your own wealth and your own health is all you need to care about. Nothing else matters.
Its almost like my own life was vanishing slowly. For the nth time. But I always come around.
2 Comments:
At 6:23 PM,
compassioNAT said…
i think we spoke abt this before..how everyone here in this 'policed state' is concerned only abt themselves making us a self-absorbed nation. Perhaps we are but there are a few gems out there who really cares. they are the rare few. The majority of us perhaps lived in cocooned but empty shells carving out an existence but not living life. Perhaps its our way of shutting out and shielding ourselves from a complicated society, complicated world altogether. I do think people become fatigued and hardened to act...possibly because we've become numbed to societal problems.For you,i know you wouldnt feel indifferent for very long. Even if you're not going away, you'll manage in this policed state.
At 9:01 PM,
Douglas Evans said…
Its strange but even just today, my sister was talking to me about her classmates and etc. There was a particular event that happened during her school term and her classmates along with her had to cooperate and work together. To cut a long story short, she concluded that episode with one thing to say about Singaporeans: They don't really know hot to help or are just not serious about it.
I think in terms of the social problems in Singapore, we tend to think there isn't any in the first place. Somehow we are conditioned to imagine our land as close to utopia, but only held by a thin fragile rope of stability and our "social problem" is to make sure we all climb the corporate ladder as fast as possible.
If it is true that I do feel fatigued by my drive to understand everything, then I should be held accountable and guilty to my crime as well.
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